Unable to Win
by Sarlinia
Summary: [PART II OF THE RIVER ARC] Sanzou freed Son Goku from a dark prison, but Goku is more than he seems as Sanzou soon realises.
1. ONE

NOTES:  Hello!  I'm a very new fan of Saiyuki!  I just finished watching the series and movie three days ago.  Saiyuki is one of the best anime's I've seen so far…falls alongside Kenshin, WeiB, and GundumWing.   I LOVE IT!  Btw…can anyone tell me about the OAV?   I know that there is one, but I don't know where to go to get it…heck I don't even know what its about.  Anyone wanna drop me a line and tell me something?   PLEASE!!!

Ok.  Enough with that rambling.  

Goku is my favorite.  I love that monkey.  So of course, my first Saiyuki fic will be about him…or to be precise, him and Sanzou (I mean, you can't have a fic about Goku without having Sanzou having some main role in it…or Konzen).

Ok.  This fic takes place before Hakkai and Gojyo get in the picture.  I'm not sure how long Goku had been with Sanzou before his mission to apprehend Hakkai.  Goku in prison looks a little younger than Goku accompanying Sanzou on mission to capture killer Hakkai.  So, Goku's going to be acting a little younger and more vulnerable than in the 3 year flashback. It starts the very day Sanzou freed Goku…and their journey to Sanzou's monestary.  I heard that Goku never aged, and he was imprisoned when he was 9.  So, Goku is 9.

A very very innocent 9.

WARNING:  Violence, blood, cursing monk, crazy monkey, and a lethal fan.

SIMPLE VOCAB:  

Baka=idiot

Saru=monkey/ape

Kono Baka Saru=(I think) dumbass ape

Itai=ouch

Urusai=shut up

Read!!!!!

UNABLE TO WIN 

The sun was setting over the mountains.  Sanzou stared at the glorious sight as the descending sun cast the world in a blood red glow.  He sat of a flat boulder, smoking a cigarette contently; his eyes dropped low, a slight frown knotting his golden brows.  There was a soft cool breeze that ruffled his hair slightly, and rustled his clothes, causing the sutra on his shoulders to brush against his cheek irritably.  With an irritated snort he brushed his hand over the sutra and dared it to move again.   So again he sat unmoving, except to lift the cigarette to his lips and to blow smoke out of his lungs.  

He watching the sunset over the world and mountains...he was also watching the creature he had just freed.

It was a young boy…between no older than 9, but his body was small, and his eyes were huge and totally innocent that it made him look much…_much_ younger.  The boy was perched next to him, crouching on his bare feet with one arm on one knee, and the other annoyingly clutching the sleeve to his monk's garb.  The boy's long shaggy brown hair ruffled slightly in the wind, and crouching like he was, with his hair moving against his back, Sanzou had the image of some sort of monkey or ape king that was gazing over it's territory…or just simply gazing at the sunset. 

Then, there was the diadem that was perched on the boy's head, the only thing keeping that unmanageable hair from falling into the boy's eyes.  It was a Youki limiter, a thing that held within it the true form and true power that this young innocent looking boy possessed. Sanzou knew beyond a doubt that the diadem was no ordinary Youki limiter.  It emitted a large amount of holy power, as if the Gods themselves had placed it on the boy's head.  The boy was a Youkai…and a powerful one at that.  One that had been imprisoned and one that Sanzou had freed.  The boy had been imprisoned there for a reason, but he was damned if he had to listen to that annoying voice calling him for another second.  And anyway, whatever he had done, it was beyond a doubt that the boy had paid the price.  The wards that had kept him within the rock prison had been centuries old.  Nothing had left that prison for at least 500 years…which included the boy.

Yes, the boy had paid the price, and now it was time for him to be free…whatever the crime was.

The boy was dirty, desperately needing a bath.  That of course included the grubby sharp nailed hand that was holding his clean sleeve.  When Sanzou had helped the boy out of the prison, the boy had looked frightened and had immediately latched onto his sleeve.  Sanzou had snarled and had tried to yank his sleeve away from those dirty-clawed hands, but the boy had once again given him that spaced out look, and Sanzou couldn't win.  He reluctantly let the boy clutch the sleeve, of course with a warning that he'd shoot him between the eyes if he dared rip his sleeve with those animal claws of his.  But then the boy's eyes had turned huge, almost covering his whole face with that golden gaze of his, and Sanzou silently regretted the threat.  So, in a less harsh voice he told the boy just to be careful with the sleeve.

So far, the boy had been careful.

Sanzou looked down at the boy when he felt a slight tug on his sleeve.  The boy was smiling, and look that suited the boy.  

"What?"  Asked Sanzou gruffly, amazed at how big that smile was.

The boy let go of the sleeve then answered, "I…I thought you were the sun."

Sanzou blinked, not sure if he had heard correctly.

The boy continued, "But the sun is over there, and you are over here, so you can't be the sun, right?"

Sanzou glared, "Why would you think such a stupid thing?"

The boy looked away, seeming uncomfortable as he said softly, "Cause you were shining when you came.  You're hair was very, very shiny…like the sun."  He then frowned, almost looking hateful if it was possible.  His voice was low and serious when he finally spoke, sounding far too old.  "I never look for the sun, I always look away.  But then you came and for a moment I thought the sun was coming to me.  I just couldn't look away."  He looked up at Sanzou. "See?"

Sanzou could not see.  He had no clue what the insane creature was talking about.  But…he sensed that the boy was telling him something important, at least to the creature's mind. So even though Sanzou did not understand he looked away, and said "Baka."

But the boy grinned again, and asked excitedly, "So if you're not the sun, who are you?"

He looked at the boy again, taking in those large golden eyes, wondering how in the world could the boy look so innocent after being imprisoned for so long.  There was no hatred, no malice, just plain curiosity and wonder. 

"What did you do?" 

It was the boy's turn to blink this time.  "Huh?"

Sanzou growled, "Why were you imprisoned like that.  You do realize that you were in there for a long time."  He was not about to be questioned first by the boy.  He was calling the shots here, not the monkey.

The boy shrank back, and let himself drop onto his bottom.  The smile was gone, eradicated by Sanzou's question, but Sanzou was not letting this boy get away from his question with a smile.

"I…I don't remember."  Came the small answer.

Sanzou's gaze became dangerous, "Lie to me again and I swear I'll put you back in where I found you!" He snarled.

He expected the boy to cower and cringe like he had done before, but this time the boy frowned fiercely and said angrily, "I am not lying!"

How dare the little disgusting animal talk back toward him?  Sanzou was contemplating reaching for his gun, but was again caught up in those golden eyes.  They were angry and aimed solely at him.  Sanzou growled angrily, "How the Hell can you not remember?"

The boy shrugged half-heartedly.  "I don't remember anything before the prison.  I know I must have done something really, really bad.  I…I thought you would be able to tell me…but I guess I was wrong."

There was then the look of total anguish and sorrow, and Sanzou hissed, "Get that dumb expression off your face before I shoot it off."

The boy looked at him again.  Big eyes filled with innocence.

It was very difficult, but Sanzou managed to take a deep breath to calm his rankled nerves. How could this ridiculous child calm down his normal murderous tendencies.  Child or not, imprisoned or not, the boy was missing something up in that brain of his, and Sanzou had the urge to beat it back into existence…yet why this concern over this little nobody?  What had possessed him to demand answers?  What had he been thinking when he had told the boy that he would take him along?  Why did he care?

Why was it he couldn't win when coming face to face with those stupid large eyes?

"Hey!  I do remember something!"

Sanzou looked at the boy who was grinning happily.  "I have a name!  I remember my name!"

"Then just say it or else we'll be here till morning!" Snapped Sanzou.

"Right.  It's Goku.  Son Goku!"

Then Sanzou understood something that he had not realized before.  He had always been able to tell when people hid things.  He knew the darkness that they held within their in their hearts.  There were always secrets to be kept.  There was always sin and guilt in their eyes.  Even children sometimes were the same; unless they were so young that they were not aware of themselves.  

Goku's eyes were his soul.  They hid nothing.  Goku was telling the truth.  He did not remember anything, he had nothing to hide.  

And in a way, Sanzou pitied him.  He could not imagine what it must have been like, to live centuries in a rock prison for a crime that he could not remember.  How Goku remained sane was beyond him.

Sanzou stood, finding to his surprise a smirk twisting his lips.  The boy…Goku leapt up as well, a wary nervous look on his features, his had reaching for the security of his sleeve. Sanzou ignored that, looking at the bloody sunset as he said, "Genjo Sanzou."

"Huh?  Sanzou? Is that your name?  Really?"

Sanzou gave the boy an annoyed look.  "What do you think?"

The boy's features became thoughtful, then once again, that impossibly huge grin spread on his face as he chirped, "I think I like it!"

"I didn't mean…" Sanzou stopped himself then said calmly, "I was being sarcastic, saru."

"Sarcastic?  Ne, Sanzou, what's that?  Is it something that I can eat?"  Then the boy's face went blank for a moment before he glared.  "Hey, I'm not a monkey!"

For a good minute Sanzou was struck dumb, staring down at Goku.  Then he snapped, "After hearing that, it just proves you are a baka saru!"  Determined to ignore the fact that the boy was still clutching his sleeve.

"Sanzou!  Sanzou!  I am not a monkey!  Sanzou!"

"…"  Genjo Sanzou was not going to bring himself down to the level of the animal by responding to the said animal.

"Sanzou…why'd you call me a monkey when I'm not a monkey?  C'mon Sanzou tell me!  Tell me!  Tell me!"

"URUSAI!!!!!!"

Sanzou rounded on the boy, his hands itching to grab the boy around the neck to wring the breath out of those annoyingly loud lungs.  The boy looked up at him, eyes wide with shock.  "Sheesh.  You don't need to yell, Sanzou."

Sanzou shut his mouth, and turned away, yanking his sleeve back and striding stiffly away.   He heard the boy's bare feet slapping against ground.  He ignored him completely; walking in silence as the sky above them turned from the blood red of the sunset to the darkening black of the night.  The stars started showing their faces and the moon was full as it shone brightly down on the two.

It was when Sanzou heard a low grumbling growl did Sanzou whirl around, holding his exorcism gun aimed right at Goku's head.  The boy's golden eyes went to a new level of large as he stared into the barrel of the gun.

"What the Hell do you think you are doing?"  Hissed Sanzou.  How dare that stupid brat growl at him?  He was going to going teach the little ingrate a lesson that that empty head of his would never forget.  One that even if he were imprisoned again for another 500 years, he would still remember.  He was going to…

The monkey had just snatched the gun out of his hand.

"Wow!  Cool!"  The boy gushed over the weapon like it was a shiny new toy.  "This looks so cool!  Ne, Sanzou, what is it?  It's pretty!"

"BAKA SARU!!!"

"Itaiiiii!!!!!!"

Sanzou had no clue when he had reached for his white fan; all he knew was that he just had to smack him.  He just had to batter some sense into that empty head.  It had to be a crime somewhere not to allow total idiot to be beaten.  And before he knew it, he had whacked the boy upside the head, standing over the boy who was crouched, clutching his aching head, still holding onto the gun.  Sanzou took a deep breath and snatched his gun back.

Goku looked up at Sanzou from where he crouched, his golden eyes hurt as he asked, "Wha…what'd you do that for?"

Sanzou hmphed and said gruffly, "Don't touch things that you don't know what they are, saru.  You can end up getting hurt.  And when I say 'hurt', it does not include being hit by a fan."

"Really?"  Those eyes were too large…to trusting.

Sanzou rolled his eyes and knelt down eye level with the boy.  He cocked the gun to the side and said, "Look Goku.  This is an exorcism gun, it is a weapon that kills."

Goku scrutinized the harmless looking weapon.  

"By pulling this trigger you could have blown your brains out…or whatever is in that head of yours."

"But Sanzou…why did you point it at me?"  Asked the boy.

Sanzou found himself tongue tied for a moment, almost having forgotten why, then once again came that low growling noise.  Sanzou could only gape in shock as Goku blushed slightly and rubbed his stomach.  

"Sanzou…"

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

He, Genjo Sanzou, had lost his mind.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Sanzou!  Look at all the houses and the people!  Look!  Sanzou!"

He was going to go crazy.  His head was about to implode and explode at the same time.  His eyes were about to pop out of his head.  His teeth felt like they were about to shatter from grinding them together.  His jaw felt dislocated from clenching it.  His ears were ringing so loud that he could barely hear the stupid monkey's stupid voice.  He wouldn't have been surprised if his hair had turned white with stress.  Hell, he wouldn't have been surprised is he had lost a good decade or two from his life.

He, Genjo Sanzou, had made the biggest, fattest, most disgusting and inexcusable mistake in his life.

He had freed the monkey.

"U-r-u-s-a-i!!!!!!"

"Ow!!  Sanzou that hurts!  Sanzou!  SANZOU!!!!!"

Sanzou grabbed the boy by the scruff of his neck and pulled him close, saying in the most menacing voice that could make the biggest of Youkai tremble, "Do you want to die?"

"N…no."

"Then, if you want to preserve your miserable existence in this world, keep that trap of yours shut.  I don't want to hear it for the rest of the night!"

"Y…Yes, Sanzou."

With a nasty snarl he let the boy go and started walking again, doing his best to pointedly ignore the stares he was receiving from the people of the town they had entered.  Why in the world had he come with the monkey was beyond him.  How could he have thought that the monkey could act like a normal human being was again, beyond him.  

Wait a minute…scratch that.

The boy was in no way human.

But Hell, even the dumbest, most Neanderthal of Youkai sometimes acted decently and could avoid getting the attention of some odd thousand strangers.  But no.  Not Goku.  Not the imbecile monkey who was at the moment crouched in a mud puddle staring in awe at a dirty little kitten.  The same Goku who was now running toward him again, muddy hand reaching for his sleeve.

Hell.

No.

Sanzou brandished his fan, holding it menacingly under the boy's dirty little nose, freezing the monkey on his dirty tracks.  "Touch me and you die."

Wide golden eyes blinked up at him.

"And wipe that stupid look off your face!"  Barked the short-tempered monk.  Again he started walking, knowing that the boy was following him like a dog.  Sanzou looked over his shoulder at the boy and mentally shook his head.  No.  Not a dog.  The boy was 100% monkey.

It was quite easy to find the inn he had stayed in before he had gone off foolishly up the mountains.  It was small, but it was clean and the food tasted good.  Nasty food was unforgivable in Sanzou's eyes.  Only an idiot would run an inn and serve food when unable to cook.  Unfortunately, the world was filled with fools.

There was a fool following him with wide golden eyes.

And he was a fool to let the boy follow him.

He was greeted graciously with the normal annoying, "Sanzou-sama."  How he loathed   that title.  He was no man's master.  Yet whenever he protested it fell on deaf ears.  Ironic how the people would claim to obey every order that came from him, yet when asked to delete the 'sama' part of his name, it was overlooked.  

"Sanzou-sama!"  Said the aging innkeeper, his face plastered with a huge smile.  He really didn't respect Sanzou all that much…he just respected that little golden card that Sanzou carried within the folds of his robes. But the man was honest, Sanzou had to give him that.  

"I need two rooms…and use of a bath."  Goku came to stand at his side, his hand reaching for the security of his sleeve but stopping before Sanzou could pull out his fan.

The innkeeper gave Goku a look and wrinkled his nose…after all he did run a clean establishment.  "I see."  Said the older man.  "Unfortunately, Sanzou-sama, there is only one room vacant."  The man's smile became shaky at Sanzou's glare.  "I…I can put a mat for you're young companion."

Sanzou really…really considered having the boy sleep outside, but finally nodded his head.  There was heartless and there was cruel.  Sanzou was a heartless bastard, but he was not cruel.

The innkeeper ran off to get things prepared leaving Sanzou with Goku alone in the main room.  The boy's eyes were darting everywhere; drinking in the sights…or whatever there was to look at.  At least the monkey was quiet…

"Sanzou!"

Sanzou grit his teeth, and saw the boy with his nose up in the air and his eyes closed in sheer bliss.

What the…

"Sanzou!  What's that smell?  It's soooo good!"

Sanzou blinked at the monkey then sniffed the air himself.  "What?  The food?"

The boy opened his eyes and looked at him, the golden orbs filled with amazement.  "I've never smelled anything so good!  Sanzou, I want some!"

Sanzou glared, "Want what?"

"I'm so hungry I could die right here!  I want some food, Sanzou.  Can I have some food?"  The boy's stomach growled as if agreeing with the boy's nonsense.

"Hmph.  After you're clean, saru.  Now shut up."

"Really?  You're really gonna give me something to eat?"

At that moment, only Sanzou existed in those eyes.  It was as if the promise of food after the bath was the most important thing in Goku's world.  For a moment, Sanzou feared he had made the boy believe that he was his God, and would become another Sanzou-sama worshiper.  He really, really did not need another fan.  The thought of Goku calling him 'Sanzou-sama' was enough for Sanzou to shoot the boy where he stood and end his miserable life.

Sanzou cautiously nodded his head and watched the boy's face suddenly become shocked then a look of disbelief.  His voice and eyes were impossibly serious as he said, "Really?"

Did the boy really think that he'd deny the probably starving boy some nourishment?  Sanzou knew beyond a doubt that the boy had not been fed while he was imprisoned.  And if the boy had been imprisoned for as long as Sanzou suspected, it was a miracle that the boy had not starved death, Youkai or not.  

"I might change my mind if you don't shut up."   Sanzou said gruffly, without any of his usual wrath in it.

At that moment the innkeeper returned.  "Sanzou-sama, the bath and room are ready." He handed a key with a number tag on it to Sanzou.  "I'll escort your…ahem…companion to the bath."

"Who said he's my companion."  Muttered Sanzou angrily, not liking the association one bit.  He then looked down at the boy, who had shrunken away from the innkeeper, slightly huddled behind him.

What in the world…?!

"Saru, go with the innkeeper and clean yourself up."  He ordered.

Goku looked away and shook his head.

What the Hell…?!

"Little piece of shit!"  He hissed as he stepped away from Goku so he could face him properly.  "Get you're dirty ass in the bath, before I shoot you."

"Iya!"  Shouted the boy suddenly, his hands clenched into fists still not looking at him.

Sanzou was really…really about to kill the monkey right there…or to be precise about to kick the boy on the ass out the inn door.   But then his keen ears caught the soft sob, his eyes taking in the trembling form and the obscured face.  Up until now the boy had obeyed (in a way) all of Sanzou's orders.  It wasn't the bath that Goku was objecting, for Sanzou had already mentioned it and the boy had no minded at all.  What had gotten into the monkey?  His anger waned slightly as he watched the small shaking figure, curiosity at the reason why the boy was being disobedient.

His voice was sharp and authoritative when he snapped at the boy, "Look at me when you speak to me!  I will not listen to a word you tell me if you're not facing me like a man."

What had possessed him to say that way beyond him.  All he knew was that he couldn't stand the boy not facing him.  It was over his dead body that he had saving a weakling crybaby.  He was not about to let the boy go around not looking at people in the face because they intimidated him.  He would remedy it.  If the boy wanted to say something, he had to look up and just say it instead of cowering and averting his eyes in shame.

Goku obeyed, slowly lifting his head up and looking up at Sanzou.  Sanzou found himself looking into tear-filled golden eyes…and was baffled.  What was the boy crying about?!  _What the freaking Hell was the stupid monkey crying about???!!!!_

Sanzou growled, "You're filthy.  Go take a bath."

Sanzou saw that Goku was fighting the impulse to look away, the tears slipping down his small dirty cheeks to make trails in their wake.  When the boy finally spoke it was shaky and shuddery.   "I…I…San…I don…don't  wa….wanna."

It was the tears that stopped Sanzou from kicking the boy out right then and there.  Those stupid tears.  Sanzou couldn't win against those tears.  Fortunately, Goku's tears bought him enough time to add softly and pitifully so that Sanzou nearly missed it, "I…I don't want you to go…you'll disappear and I'll be…I'll be alone again."

Sanzou rolled his eyes, feeling an immense headache coming on.  "Why would you think that, baka saru?"  This he had to hear.

"You're going to walk away…and even if I call you…and call you….you won't answer me.  You'll walk away and not look at me….and forget and go away.  You'll go away and I'll be alone again…and…and…_I don't want you to leave me alone!_"   The boy looked away and clutched his head and shut his eyes, as if he too was suffering from a headache.

Idiocy must have been contagious, for Sanzou had understood the monkey's babble.  He understood what Goku was trying to tell him.  Sanzou sighed and said gently, "Saru, go wash.  I'm going to sit here and wait for you."

"Really?"  There was a little frightened doubt in the boy's voice.  "You're not going to leave me?"

"I'm not going anywhere, kono baka saru.  I might if you just stand there with that idiot look on you're face.  I'm hungry and tired and would like to move on."

The tears dried and the sparkle returned to Goku's eyes as he said excitedly, "Don't worry Sanzou, I'll hurry!"

Relieved that that was settled, Sanzou looked at the innkeeper and asked, "You did put some new clothes for the saru right?"

The man rubbed his hands together and nodded,  "Oh yes.  I had already guessed that Your Greatness wouldn't let the boy accompany you looking like a hooligan. Of course I'll need to be compensated…"

"You'll get your pay" Muttered Sanzou and silently added, _greedy old goat._

So with that, Sanzou sent Goku to take his first bath in 500 years while he sat at a vacant table to assure the monkey that he wasn't going to disappear and leave him alone.

He, Genjo Sanzou, had truly lost his mind.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Genjo Sanzou had always prided himself in being able to keep a reign of his facial features.  It was rarely that he found himself surprised.  It was even rarer that his surprise showed on his face.  He wore a cold mask of indifference and disdain.  No one could penetrate his mask, and he never let it fall.

Yet, his mouth hung open in shock as he watched in disbelieving horror as Goku ate the innkeeper out of his home.

"THERE IS NO MORE I SAID!"  

"But I'm still hungry!"

The poor innkeeper's face was a disturbing shade of red as he yelled at the top of his lungs at a miffed Goku.  The boy was now dressed in an oversized shirt and pants, his feet covered in Chinese slippers.  His long hair was pulled back and tied with a piece of cloth, making him look decent.

"I have to feed my customers tomorrow you gluttonous brat!  So no matter how much your master pays me I won't serve you another plate."

Sanzou looked at the plates that were piled up in neat stacks.  He had lost count after somewhere after 48.

"Sanzou, make him give me some more!"

Sanzou's eyes narrowed at the boy as he said, "Didn't you hear the man?"

Goku balked slightly at the narrow eyes glare he received, but said, "But I'm still hungry!"

Sanzou stood up and handed the innkeeper his golden card.  "You've survived centuries without food.  You'll live a couple hours without more."

As the innkeeper left, clutching the golden card like some precious treasure, Goku picked at the crumbs on his plate forlornly.  "Its just I'm so hungry.  I didn't feel it while I was…there."

"You're body is making up for the years you didn't eat.  Bear with it."

"Hai."

Sanzou turned and started toward the room, Goku trailing for once quietly behind him.  When Sanzou opened the door, and Goku entered, the boy paused with serious look on his face as he gazed down at the futon on the floor.

Sanzou let him stare as he stripped out of his priest's robes and draped it carefully on a chair leaving him in his jeans and tight black shirt and arm warmers.  He peeled off the arm warmers as well, and got into the bed and rolled over, his back to Goku who still stood staring.

"Its…its…"

Sanzou frowned and looked over his shoulder.  The boy was frowning; his hands clenched into tight fists, his eyes dark with something that Sanzou could not read.  But he remained silent, letting Goku work out what he wanted to say on his own.

"I see things," Goku finally said, "And I start to remember, but then its stolen from me, and my head hurts."

Sanzou paused for a moment before asking, "What do you think you remember?"

"This room."  Said Goku immediately.  He slowly lowered himself onto the futon and laid flat on his stomach.  "When I try really hard to remember, my head then really hurts and I don't want to remember anymore."

Then, his voice dropped so that it was dark and bitter.  "I am still chained I guess."

Sanzou snorted, "Idiot.  The past is the past.  You can let it remain imprisoning you, or you can break it and live your life."

"But…"

"You're a kid.  You don't understand anything, and I'm not going to explain it all to you know.  Now shut up and go to sleep."

And Goku remained silent and minutes later he fell asleep.

But Sanzou remained awake, Goku's words echoing through his head.

_"I never look for the sun, I always look away.  But then you came and for a moment I thought the sun was coming to me.  I just couldn't look away."_

_"You're going to walk away…and even if I call you…and call you….you won't answer me.  You'll walk away and not look at me….and forget and go away.  You'll go away and I'll be alone again_

_"I am still chained I guess."_

"Baka."  He muttered into the darkness.

And yet, he didn't know if he was meant Goku…or himself.

 TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. TWO

NOTES: Alright, here is the second part of this fic. Hope I didn't make you all wait too long.usually it takes me months to spit out a chapter. But I've been on a role lately even though I'm busy as hell. Ah well.  
  
WARNING: gossiping monks, mean kids, pissed off Sanzou, unhappy Goku, lethal fan, and deadly gun. ^-^  
  
SIMPLE VOCAB: Baka=idiot Saru=monkey/ape Kono Baka Saru=(I think) dumbass ape Itai=ouch Urusai=shut up Honto=really? Nani=what?  
  
UNABLE TO WIN  
  
Part II  
  
  
  
Knock. Knock. Knock.  
  
"Sanzou-sama!"  
  
"Sanzou-sama, please open the door!"  
  
Knock. Knock. Knock.  
  
Sanzou sat straight up, a vein throbbing over his temple as he snarled at the locked door, "Urusai! Go die in a ditch!"  
  
The infernal knocking abruptly stopped and Sanzou's sensitive ears picked up the sounds of socked feet drawing away from his door. With another ill- tempered snarl, Sanzou threw himself back under his sheets and covered his eyes with his arm tiredly.  
  
Three days. It had been three days since Sanzou had made it back from his little journey. But where he had left the temple Chou-an alone, he had come back with a little shadow. A little shadow of terror called Son Goku. What had possessed him to bring the strange boy with him to the temple was something even he could not understand. Had he thought that the boy would be capable of assimilating into the temple life like all the other children that were brought in to live there? Had he thought that the monks would welcome the youkai boy with open arms and tolerate his incessant chatter, and his gargantuan appetite?  
  
Whatever he had been thinking, he had been dead wrong.  
  
Every morning since he arrived the monks came knocking on his door, waking him up to complain on what the little monkey had done. It was eerily amazing how much trouble Goku had gotten himself into in those short three days. He had climbed onto one of the statues of the Buddha and took a nap there, he had broken over a dozen ornaments and artifacts, bitten one monk, kicked another, doodled on the paper walls with a permanent marker (where he had found that damned thing was yet a mystery), scoffed food enough to feed the temple for a month, muddied the clean floors, disrupted prayers, mutilated important documents, and all with an innocent smile on his face.  
  
On the good side, temple life had never been this lively.  
  
Sanzou groaned when he heard a familiar nagging voice in his subconscious, calling him to find a certain infuriating monkey. He sat up and threw his sheets off him and stood. That annoying voice that put his teeth on edge had ceased to bother him when he had freed Goku. Now what the hell was it doing returning to pester him? Hadn't he already freed that nuisance to the world and given him a freaking home? He had done his job hadn't he? What more should be expected of him?  
  
Once dressed in his robes, Sanzou exited his room and cast an irritable glare at the group of monks who huddled at the end of his hall, muttering amongst themselves in hushed nervous voices. When they noticed that he was out, they quieted and cautiously approached him in a meek manner that befit when approaching a Sanzou.  
  
Idiots.  
  
"S.Sanzou-sama.good morning."  
  
"What's good about it?" Asked Sanzou, "You disturbed my sleep to pester me about something, so what's good about this morning?"  
  
The poor man's mouth bobbed open and shut like a fish out of water. Sanzou shook his head and asked with as much patience he could express, "What did the idiot monkey do now?"  
  
"He.he's gone, Sanzou-sama." Sanzou's head snapped slightly, not wanting to show his surprise at this unexpected news. He remained silent as the man continued, "We were kind of worried when we found that he had not raided the stores again like he always does at night, so we went to his room and found it empty and his bed and clothes untouched. We then looked everywhere, but could not find him."  
  
Sanzou listened to the details. Had Goku run away? If he had, wouldn't he have the brains to grab some of his clothes and food? No, Goku hadn't run away, Sanzou was sure of it. After all, the boy's worst fear was of being left alone, so running away would mean that he would defiantly be alone. And knowing the idiot, he would have come to Sanzou and asked for them to run away together.  
  
So where the hell was he, and why the hell did he care what happened to that little pest? ///"I never look for the sun, I always look away. But then you came and for a moment I thought the sun was coming to me. I just couldn't look away."/// Baka. Baka. Baka. Baka.  
  
Without a word, Sanzou marched away from the monks towards Goku's small room. The night before he had personally dragged the little monkey by the ear to his room after the boy begged to stay up longer. There was nothing out of the ordinary last night, so what could have happened to make Goku disappear?  
  
In a short time, Sanzou reached Goku's room and opened it. It was as if Goku was still there. His little bed was made and untouched, on the table in the middle of the room odd little trinkets and flowers that Goku had collected scattered its top in disarray. Against the wall, a small wardrobe with one of its door open held the few clothes Sanzou had purchased for the boy still hung impeccably. On the nightstand next to his bed there was a bowl of uneaten apples. Sanzou had suggested to Goku to keep a bowl of fruit in his room since his hunger was insatiable, but every night for the past three nights, the fruit didn't satisfy Goku's hunger and the boy stole away to the stores for a midnight snack that would leave large obvious gaps of his presence. The apples were untouched, just like the stores.  
  
Sighing, Sanzou left the room and shut it, walking in a slightly hurried pace and listening to that nagging voice in his head. He did not want to admit it, but the sight of Goku's empty room disturbed him. On their journey to the temple, Sanzou had discovered that Goku was as innocent as a newborn babe. Like his memories he was empty of all experiences and knowledge that any other boy his age, human or youkai would have acquired. Guileless, unsuspicious, gullible, as innocent as they come, but with a dark shadow that loomed over him. Sanzou was cautious for Goku had not been imprisoned for no reason. Even Goku admitted that he must have done something horrible to deserve 500 years of imprisonment. At times, there was a haunted look in Goku's eyes, an ageless sadness and wisdom made Sanzou pause to think: who is Son Goku? But whoever he was he was not capable of living out on his own.  
  
So where the hell is he???!!!  
  
Sanzou walked out into the morning sun, not even giving its radiance a glance as he let his feet lead him to wherever they stopped. It was through this almost aimless wandering that Sanzou had found Goku up in the mountains in the first place. Just following the voice and his feet. He crossed the courtyard ignoring the cheerful greetings of some of the monks and visitors. He turned past the cultivated garden where they grew most of their vegetables and rice. Past the apple orchard, which was one of Goku's favorite spots and the flower garden where Goku spent hours chasing odd insects with pretty wings. In three days, Goku had made himself at home. As long as he was outside and away from the temple and those who dwelled within its walls, he was fine. A child of the earth.  
  
Sanzou was passing a group of novice boys in their early teens when he felt a sharp jolt. He stopped and let his amethyst eyes gaze over in their direction. They were four, and Sanzou recognized them as some boys that Goku had beaten in martial arts training. It was the only thing that Goku would participate with the monks. Goku loved to fight, and had the agility and stamina to become a force to be reckoned with. Goku had been paired up with them because he was a youkai and youkai were naturally stronger. But even thought he boys were a good four years older that the little monkey, Goku had beaten them in no time.  
  
Noticing him, the boys went silent, looking at each other in nervous guilt. Narrowing his eyes dangerously, Sanzou approached them till he stood over them. Their eyes widened and shook, and they were sweating profusely for such a cool morning.  
  
"Where is Goku?" Sanzou asked quietly, looking down his nose at them. He was never one to beat around the bush. These boys knew where Goku was; it was obvious to Sanzou as the sun in the sky.  
  
The tallest of them all gulped and answered shakily, "We.we don't know, Sanzou-sama."  
  
"Liar."  
  
All the boys jumped at his blunt reply.  
  
"Sa.Sanzou-sama."  
  
Sanzou grabbed the boy by his novice robe and pulled him close hissing menacingly, "I could have you banished from the temple for that little lie. Now answer me quickly, where is the saru?"  
  
The boy, trembling, lifted his hand and pointed towards the wells, "He.he's in the dried up well.we.we didn't think that he'd believe us!"  
  
Sanzou let the terrified boy go and said, "Explain."  
  
"Yesterday we told Goku that we saw a bird fall down the well since he loved birds so much and that after everyone had gone to sleep we'd go get it out. We met him outside his window and all of us went to the well, and then we dared him to jump in by himself and get the bird. We.we never thought he'd believe us, Sanzou-sama! Honest!"  
  
"Why didn't you get help when the idiot jumped in the first place?"  
  
The boy's eyes fell to the grassy ground as he mumbled, "We were scared."  
  
Sanzou snarled, "Scared are you? Selfish more like it! Go to the Elder and tell him what you have done. He'll be able to give you an imaginative punishment. If I were left up to deciding I'd just shoot you. Get out of my sight!"  
  
All the boys fled then, pale and trembling and probably traumatized after facing the wrath of Genjo Sanzou.  
  
Now to get back the saru.  
  
Chou-an had five working wells and one dried one. None of the novices were allowed to go there for fear of them falling and drowning. The dried one was near the corner of the temple, the last one to the right. It had cobwebs on its wooden banisters and an old aged bird's nest on the top. Coming up to it, Sanzou leaned down and looked into the inky darkness and stayed there trying to penetrate the darkness to see if Goku was actually there.  
  
He then heard a small soft sob echoing from within.  
  
Letting himself relax slightly, Sanzou called down, "Goku?"  
  
He heard some movement from below then the flashing of golden eyes looking up at him and the shining of a golden diadem. "S.Sanzou?" It was said softly, tiredly, and unbelieving, ageless and haunted.  
  
Sanzou reached over and untangled the unused rope, spraying himself with dust that clung the ropes together. Without a word, he threw one of the ends inside and waited to feel a tug on it. When he felt nothing he said irritably, "Either you grab on or I pull the rope up and leave without you. One.two."  
  
He felt a tug. Satisfied, he started the strenuous job of pulling the boy out to the well. Goku was not the heavy, but still it would have been easier if Sanzou had asked the help of another monk, but he didn't want any of those self-righteous idiots with him when he pulled the boy out. Sanzou knew that the only reason they tolerated Goku's presence was because Sanzou had brought him to the temple himself. He knew the rumors and gossiping that was going around about Genjo Sanzou's "Pet" and "Pick-up". The thing was that even if he wanted to, he could never win against those damn eyes.  
  
Sanzou's arm shot forward at the first sight of a thatch of muddy brown hair, his hand tangling into a loose damp shirt, he hauled Goku out of the well and onto solid ground. Goku sat at his feet, damp, muddy, shivering, and utterly miserable. His hands were scrapped raw from attempting to climb back up and failing, same went for his bare feet (it seemed that he had left his room barefoot again). The new pants that Sanzou had gotten him were torn and beyond recognition, and the shirt looked even worse. His long hair was a horrendous tangle of hair and mud and.a frog leap out of the knots of Goku's hair and back into the well.  
  
Finally, not knowing what to say to the boy, "Can you stand? You're a mess, saru. You can eat after you bathe. Idiot, who in their right mind would knowingly jump into a damned - "  
  
Goku looked up at him, his face was scrapped on one cheek and tears slipping down his muddied cheeks. His small thin shoulders shook in half concealed sobs, and his dirty hand vainly tried to wipe the tears away, only to have more take the others place. How the hell was he expected to lecture the saru on his idiocy if the said saru was crying his eyes out?! And the boy so deserved getting a piece of his fan!  
  
With a defeated sigh, Sanzou knelt slightly and took Goku's small tanned hand in his, and with a gentle tug he had Goku standing. "Lets get you cleaned and fed. You can go to sleep too if you want." He suggested softly refusing to meet Goku eye to eye.  
  
The boy merely nodded his head and continued to cry, opting now just to cover his eyes with his scratched arm. With another sigh, Sanzou led Goku away from the well, keeping a firm hold onto Goku's hand so as to allow the boy to cry his fill but not fall and break his stupid neck while they walked to the washrooms. Goku's sobs were heartbreaking, getting the attention of many passerbies' who looked at them curiously and with mild concern for the weeping boy that Sanzou led.  
  
The monks who had woken him stayed wisely away, letting Sanzou and Goku pass by them undeterred. Sanzou led Goku to his untouched room, and sent the boy to the baths with fresh clothes. While the little boy washed, Sanzou and the healer he had called over waited for Goku to come out. Once out, Goku's wounds were treated and bandaged, then Sanzou ordered a full course meal to be served in the room.  
  
At least the food brightened up the saru, Sanzou thought almost acidly as he watched a slightly rejuvenated Goku nearly choke himself while attempting to shove every dish on the table in his mouth at the same time. When Goku had licked the last drop of grease off the last plate, Sanzou said, "Go to sleep, and when you wake up you'll start the punishment."  
  
"What?" Gasped Goku in dismay, "Why? Why am I being punished?"  
  
CRACK!  
  
"Itaiii!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Sanzou had been waiting for the right moment to hit the idiot. Now he was satisfied.  
  
"What did you do that for?!" Howled the boy, clutching his head where Sanzou's fan had connected with his head.  
  
With a satisfied smirk, Sanzou placed his fan within the folds of his robe and stated the fact that he believed very crucial, "Don't question your elders."  
  
Goku blinked, "Why?"  
  
"Because," replied Sanzou willing to be patient for once, unusually relaxed after whacking the boy, "it is disrespectful."  
  
"Disrespectful?" snorted Goku angrily; "You're always disrespectful to your elders, Sanzou. I think you just like to hit me.and you hit hard!"  
  
"I disrespect those who don't deserve my respect, it's that simple."  
  
Goku blinked large golden eyes at him, and Sanzou could almost swear that he could see the rusty unused gears turning in the monkey's head. Finally, Goku said, "So.I don't need to respect elders who do not deserve respect? How would I know which ones to respect and which ones not to?"  
  
A good question, though Sanzou. Knowing the monkey and his innocent idiotic naiveté, he'd end up disrespecting the wrong people at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. He was still too young for such judgment. "I'll tell you who's who."  
  
"Honto?"  
  
"Do I need to repeat myself?" snapped Sanzou irritably.  
  
Goku thought about this for a moment then grinned, "Nope." He went to his bed and climbed in, burying himself under the cool sheets with a contented sigh. When Sanzou turned to leave Goku sat up straight and wailed, "You're leaving?!"  
  
Sanzou gave the boy a narrow eyed look, challenging whatever the boy was about to request. "I have work to do."  
  
The boy dropped his gaze and fiddled around with the sheets and muttered, "But.but can't you wait till I fall asleep?"  
  
Sanzou could not believe what he was hearing. "What?!"  
  
"I.I don't want to be alone right now," said Goku softly, "I might have nightmares because I was so scared that no one would find me in the well and I'd be left alone.again." He lifted his head and gave Sanzou the most pitiful pleading look with his shimmering golden eyes, "Please Sanzou, can't you wait till I fall asleep? I'll fall asleep really, really quickly just for you."  
  
Those damn eyes. He just could not win against them. He should have them poked out.  
  
With a self-sacrificing groan, Sanzou dropped himself down on a chair and pulled out the newspaper he had not read. Opening it, he searched for his reading glasses and snarled, "What are you staring at? Put your head down and go to sleep already before I just shoot you and end this ridiculous charade!"  
  
The boy immediately buried himself under the sheets so that only a small thatch of his dark brown hair could be seen exclaiming exuberantly, "Thank you Sanzou!"  
  
So he, the Genjo Sanzou sat in the monkey's room till he fell asleep. And even after Goku had started snoring, Sanzou sat reading.just to make sure the monkey didn't sprout wings and fly away.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The monkey was bored out of his mind. Sanzou knew this, but he said nothing except to glare at Goku when the boy started to fidget too much on the stool that was placed next to Sanzou's desk. The boy had tried every trick in the book trying to get himself out of his punishment, but Sanzou would have none of it, literally dragging the screaming monkey to his office and forcing him to sit on the stool silently till Sanzou finished all his paper work. Sanzou had placed his fan on the desk, a silent reminder to Goku on the consequences of speaking during his punishment time. So far Goku had done a good job at trying to stay quiet. He forgot himself four times to express his hunger, and was silenced with the crack of the fan over his head.  
  
Three days of punishment, for three days of terror.  
  
Sanzou sensed a sudden stillness from Goku, and lifted his eyes, peering over his glasses to find the boy staring quite seriously at one of the documents on the desk. The young monk watched as Goku's golden eyes scanned the page, his lips moving as if reading the neatly written words.  
  
Hello.  
  
"Goku," said Sanzou without moving an inch.  
  
The boy jumped, startled he looked up at him, "Nani?"  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing, Sanzou. I was just reading the paper, that's all."  
  
Sanzou frowned. With his foot he pulled Goku's stool closer to him. Staring into the boy's eyes he asked, "You can read?"  
  
Goku blinked, then said in a soft confused voice, "I guess a little."  
  
Ah, the whole wiped out memory.  
  
"Baka," grunted Sanzou. He reached into one of his drawers and pulled out a small pamphlet and handed it to the boy. "Read the first page out loud to me, Goku."  
  
Goku's eyes were extremely wide as he opened the pamphlet carefully and started to read, "Then even nothingness was not, nor.nor exis.um."  
  
"Existence."  
  
"Ah.existence. There was nor air then, nor the.the heavens be.beyond it. What covered it? Where was it? In whose keeping? Was there then co..cos.cosimic."  
  
"Cosmic."  
  
"Cosmic water, in.in dep.I know this one! Depths! Un.ah.un-fa-tho- med..unfathomed!"  
  
"You killed the whole sentence, baka saru. Read the sentence again."  
  
Goku gave him an injured look and re-read it, "Was there then cosmic water, in depths unfathomed?" He looked up at Sanzou hopefully.  
  
"Not bad for a wild monkey," said Sanzou grudgingly, though in actuality he was quite impressed. Someone had taken special care to teach Goku how to read. Someone in the past before Goku was imprisoned in the mountains.  
  
Taking the pamphlet back, he pulled out a writing quill and a blank sheet of paper and gave them to Goku and said, "Lets see what you can do."  
  
Goku grinned brilliantly at him and hunched over the paper and started to write. After a minute he straightened and Sanzou peered at the paper reading, "I am Son Goku, and I live in Chou-an with Sanzou." He misspelled "Chou-an" and "Sanzou", but that could easily be fixed. His handwriting was atrocious but eligible, again easily fixed with practice.  
  
Sanzou smirked, and Goku beamed.  
  
Thus Genjo Sanzou continued what started 500 years ago.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
What Goku was reading was the Indian myth of the creation of the world.  
  
So.what do ya think?????????????????? Please please please please what do ya think????  
  
Ahh.I think the next chapter will have some action in it. Then a final chapter. This was never meant to be a multi-chapter thing. Ah well, stuff like this can't be helped.  
  
Sarlinia 


	3. THREE

NOTES:  Ok, here is another chapter for this little piece of adorable madness.  Sorry, there is no yaoi, Goku is way too young for any sort of sexual action, (he's what, 9???).  Just Sanzou learning how to function with Goku, and Goku learning what its like to be raised (sort of) by Sanzou.  Kinda…sorta…I'm just having fun…just read the damn thing please.

Oh, and for those who are interested, I wrote a fic about Sanzou's origins based on the actual myth Journey to the West.  So…go read it!  It's called Down the River, My Love.  And if you're wondering what I mean by Sanzou's origins, I mean about his parents, and how baby Sanzou ended up drifting down a river to be found by Koumyo Sanzou.  So yeah…read it!!!!!!!!

Wait…scratch that…please be at least 16 to read it.  It has rape, though not explicit it was enough to disturb me…the freaking idiot who wrote it.  

WARNINGS:  Mean new head monk that does not like Goku.  Death, blood, and cliffhanger.

UNABLE TO WIN Part III 

Sanzou could only blink in befuddled amazement at the small figure hiding beneath his desk.  He had finished organizing his desk for his trip when his door swung open and a panicky Goku ran in, lunging over the desktop, scattering his books and papers, and scurrying into the hidden darkness beneath the desk while Sanzou stared without saying a word.  Frowning, he shook his head and shut the door, and took a breath to start yelling at the boy for the mess he had created.

"Sanzou, I'm not here!"  Came an urgent whisper from the bowels of his desk.

Sanzou shut his mouth with a snap.  What the hell…

The young monk turned when he heard the soft knocking on his door.  Growling in ill humor, he opened the door savagely and glared at the two cowering monks who stood before him.  "What?  I'm packing.  Can't you do something without my presence for once?"

One monk, twisting his fingers said nervously, "Please forgive us, Sanzou-sama, we were only wondering if you have seen Son Goku?"

Sanzou was very close to snarling and reaching under his desk, pulling the impudent boy by his ear to serve justice, but changed his mind at the last moment.  "The saru was here, as you can tell by the mess, but you just missed him."

The two monks bowed before him then scurried away, their bare feet slapping against the wooden floors.  Once Sanzou's door was closed, he looked back to his desk to find Goku's brown head emerging, his bright golden eyes twinkling in amusement, his mouth split in a god awful giant grin.

With a small giggle, Goku said impishly, "Sanzou told a lie!"

Sanzou snorted, "What lie?  I saw you, but then you disappeared like the monkey you are under the desk."  He then went back to re-straightening his desk, and packing some books for his trip.

Shrugging, Goku jumped onto Sanzou's chair and when Sanzou looked at him again he saw that the boy was sulking.  His hair seemed limp and less wild, his golden eyes were dull without their normal hyperactive sparkle, mouth thinned, and shoulder's slumped.  If possible, this change in attitude irked Sanzou more than the boy's manic destructiveness.

Sighing, Sanzou prepared for the argument that was about to occur…again.  "Give it up, you aren't coming."

This caused the boy's brown brows to knot, and a little resentment to kindle up the dull eyes.  A little improvement, but still not what Sanzou wanted to leave behind once he managed to finish packing and get moving.

The head elder monk of Chou-an had been invited to visit a small-governed city only a day away from the temple.  Unfortunately, the elder had died two days ago and Sanzou was now "socially obliged" to go in the elder's place.  What made things worse was the fact that the elder's replacement was due to arrive tomorrow.  It was just bad luck, but still it annoyed Sanzou.  He hated such official functions that would end up with him up to his neck in gifts and offers and other thing he did not want to think about.

Goku's piping voice snapped him out of his reverie, "I don't wanna stay here if you're gonna go."

Sanzou snorted.  Goku had been in a moody sulk since he was informed that he had to stay in the temple.  At the thought of Goku at the official function, Sanzou felt a dark shiver make the hairs on the back of his neck rise.  He could just imagine the chaos and mayhem that would ensue once the little monkey got his hands on the food…and probably into the alcohol.  No, Goku was going nowhere.

"I told you already," snapped Sanzou, "you're staying here cause monkeys aren't allowed where I'm going."

This caused the little boy to stiffen and shout, "I'm not a monkey!"  He then picked up his writing pamphlet from Sanzou's desk and said pleadingly, "I finished all the work you gave me already, and I finished reading the assignment.  See, I did everything!"

This caused Sanzou to pause.  Reaching over he took the writing pamphlet from the boy and flipped through the pages.  Sure enough, Goku had finished the assignments he had given him to work on while he was gone, the conniving little brat.  Smirking, Sanzou said, "Well then, I guess now I'll have to give you some more."

Goku's eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open, "Wha--?!"

The smirk became more prominent as he continued, "And since you finished four days worth of work in one night, I'll have to triple the workload and make it more difficult."

"Wa…wait a minute, Sanzou!"  Cried Goku in a horrified voice, "That stuff was really hard!  And I don't wanna have more work, I wanna go with you!"

"No."

Goku's eyes changed then, starting to shimmer with angry tears as he shouted, "I don't wanna stay here alone!  You're not letting me go because you're a big mean jerk!"

Sanzou felt his eyebrow tick at this, and his deep angry growl vibrate in his chest as he gave the fuming boy a very cold look.  "You think so, do you?"  The boy's answer better be good or else he'd regret it.

Goku seemed to flinch slightly at the look, but shouted, "Jerk!  Jerk!  Jerk!!!"

**CRACK**

With a pained yelp, Goku landed on his butt, clutching his aching head as Sanzou replaced his fan back within the folds of his robes.  Not giving the boy another glance, the young man went about his office, completing his packing moments before a monk knocked on his door and called, "Sanzou-sama, its time to go."

Waiting to hear the monk's receding footsteps, he looked down at Goku who had not moved from where he had fallen. He had curled up slightly, his thin arms wrapped around his thin legs, his hair covering his eyes.  For a moment, Sanzou felt a little pity for the boy; after all he couldn't blame him for not wanting to be left alone with all the monks.  He himself knew the feeling when his dead master Koumyo left the temple and left him behind.  But still, pity or not he was not going to tolerate brattiness.

"When I come back I had better not hear a single complaint about you," he said sharply.

He saw Goku stiffen slightly, but nodded his head and said in the most miserable voice, "I'll be good."

 Sanzou accepted this though he knew that even on the boy's best behavior the monks would find something to complain about to him once he returned.  But both of them knew that Sanzou only punished him when he deserved it.  "When I get back I want you to have picked a book from my bottom shelf and to have written at least twenty-five pages from the text in _neat_ handwriting.  Once I'm back I'll test you on what you've read, got it?"

"Got it," was the even more dejected answer.

"The new elder will be coming tomorrow, so try to not make a spectacle of yourself.  If possible, stay away from him until I come back, that way we can avoid any disasters."

"Okay."

Satisfied, Sanzou was about to leave when he noticed the small shoulder's shaking, and the small sound of a sniffle.

Crap.

Gnashing his teeth in frustration, he tried, "I'll be gone for only four days."

"I don't care.  I don't want to stay here," was the little sob of a response.

"I already told you," snapped Sanzou, his patience frazzled.  " You are not going!"

"Then don't go!" Wailed Goku, raising his head, letting Sanzou see the golden eyes behind the flowing tears.

"Look," said Sanzou harshly, "you had better get over it, because I'm not going to always be here, and I am definitely not going to suffer with your company for the rest of my life!  You're going to have to get used to being alone, because that's the way the world works."  

He regretted those words as soon as he uttered them.  He watched as Goku's small elfin face turned pale and frozen.  Goku said nothing for a moment, staring up at him as he stood slowly.  Sanzou then saw something that he did not expect to ever see in those golden eyes.  It was deep, deep angry rage that he had never thought Goku could possibly express.  It was frightening, and Sanzou could not help but remember that Goku, though a child, had been imprisoned for 500 years for a reason.

Finally, Goku yelled, "_I hate you_!"  Then he was gone, slamming the door to Sanzou's office shut with a loud resounding boom that grated at Sanzou's ears.

He was half inclined to go after the golden-eyed boy to pummel him, but stopped himself.  Goku was a stupid animal that did not know any better.  And anyway, if the stupid little monkey was angry at him, then maybe he'd get some piece and quiet when he returned.  After over three months since freeing Goku, Sanzou had noticed that when the boy was angry with him, he avoided him.

With those thoughts, Sanzou picked up his neatly packed bag and lit a cigarette, placing it between his lips and inhaling the addicting nicotine smoke.  He then glanced out to the window and frowned, seeing that somehow he had not noticed the dark storm clouds darkening the sky.  It was going to rain.

Shit.

***~*~*~***~*~*~****

He hated him.

Yeah, he _hated_ him.

No…he really, really thought he was a jerk.

Yes, Genjo Sanzou was the biggest jerk in the whole world.  Sanzou was mean, bad tempered, foul mouthed, and liked to hit him with that stupid fan that he always somehow kept on him.  Sanzou constantly called him a 'monkey' no matter how many times he was told not to.  Sanzou yelled at him and gave him those scary looks that sent the monks in the temple scurrying for cover.  And when Sanzou was really, really mad, he would make him sit quietly, prohibited from outside, prohibited from food, prohibited from movement, and prohibited from noise.

So why, why did Son Goku just not leave the corrupt young man and his temple filled with whining self-righteous monks and set off on his own.  After all, hadn't he survived for centuries alone chained up in the mountainous prison?  Wasn't he physically stronger than all the monks and their selfish novices put together?  He wasn't like a normal child that was for sure.  He had a keen nose for food and danger that would help him survive easily in the outside world beyond Chou-an.  

So why did Son Goku choose to stay?

_Are you happy?_

With an out of character temper, Goku threw his writing pallet across Sanzou's study, sending it crashing into some neatly stacked files that Sanzou had meticulously organized before leaving the day before.  The boy watched with a feverish look in his golden eyes as the sheets of paper fluttered to the stone floor, making a mess of the order Sanzou had made.

"Sanzou will be mad when he comes back," said Goku to the empty room.  "He'll call me an animal and make me clean up the mess I made."  With a sigh, Goku reached down and picked up one of the fallen documents, and looked over the neatly written letters.

Letters form words, words form sentences, sentences form paragraphs, and paragraphs form meaning.

At least, that was what Sanzou said.  Goku had never felt happier than the moments when he showed his work to Sanzou, who would look over it and give him both words of praise and words of criticism that Goku craved desperately.  The attention he was gifted with when hiding from the monks under Sanzou's desk after some transgression on his part.  The occasional pat on the head when he had his few moments of despair. The times after a lesson, or after a punishment when Sanzou looked down at him with his hard cold amethyst eyes and for a moment…look so, so familiar that it ached deep in Goku's heart…in which he'd allow him to finally go outside, and there Goku would bask in the glorious sun.

Yes…the sun.

Son Goku remained with Genjo Sanzou, because Genjo Sanzou gave Son Goku the sun he had craved for so long.  The freedom to run outside and enjoy the life that had been taken from him for things that he had done, but could not remember.

Yes, it was beyond a doubt in Goku's young mind.  He had done something horrible, and for that he had been locked away and stripped of his memories.  But…what had he done to deserve such a punishment?  Sanzou had told him not to dwell on the past too much, but to look at the here and now.  That was what Goku intended to do, but what if the here and now weren't making him happy?__

Goku finished picking up the papers and placed them in their place.  Then he reached and picked up his writing pallet and flipped through the pages, pausing at one that had been folded over.  He unfolded it carefully, but his hand slipped and he winced at the sound of the paper tearing jaggedly.  In the silence of the room, the small sound of the paper tearing was loud and echoing.

_Are you happy?_

Suddenly, tears sprang into Goku's eyes, making the writing pallet and its ugly tear blur.  Whispering out loud Goku said, "Now look what you did you stupid, stupid idiot.  Sanzou is going to be mad because he has said over and over that you have to be careful with your writing pallet.  Stupid."

Wiping the tears with his arm he went over to Sanzou's desk and opened his top right drawer.  There he pulled out a roll of tape.  Tape was very rare, and only few, like Sanzou, knew of its existence.  He had told Goku that he was never to use it without permission.

"But Sanzou is not here," said Goku, angrily tearing a small piece of tape and applying it to the paper, connecting the torn edges together.  "Sanzou left.  He said that you have to be good, and get used to being alone!"

_Are you happy?_

With a huff the boy dropped the writing pallet onto the top of Sanzou's desk.  He stared at it lying there dismally, and then turned his head to Sanzou's bookshelf.  With a sigh that came from his toes he dragged his feet and went to his knees to look at the books on the bottom shelf.  He had to pick one book and read it before Sanzou got back.

Goku froze for a moment when he heard the low rumbling of thunder coming from the outside.  It had been cloudy and gray since Sanzou had left the day before.  He had heard the monks saying that it was a blessing from the Buddha that the new elder monk had arrived before the rain hit.  Goku hadn't understood what the rain and the elder monk's arrival had to do with each other.  He had then been told that the rain was a bad omen, but since the elder beat the rain, he therefore beat the omen…or something like that.  Either way, it made no sense.  After all, Goku loved the rain, especially when it was warm enough for him to go out and have fun in it.  He had played in the mud once, and he would never forget the look on Sanzou's face when he returned indoors.  

With a smile spreading on his lips and lightening his mood, the young golden eyed boy looked at the books on the bottom shelf, reading the titles: "Book of the Dead", "Theogony", "The End of the Kali Age", "Bhagavad-Gita", "The Pantheons", and "Quetzalcoatl".

Scratching his head, Goku randomly pulled out the last book on the right, it being a thick volume covered in dust that Goku would bet a whole meal that Sanzou had never touched. A perfect choice.  After all, when Sanzou returned and discovered that Goku had read something he hadn't touched, then he'd spend the whole night cramming and reading so that the next day he would be able to criticize Goku's work properly. In a way, it was Goku's vengeance.

With an impish grin he went to Sanzou's desk, and sat himself comfortably on Sanzou's chair.  Using the edge of his shirt, he wiped the volume off, dirtying it.  He would get hell from the monks, but his curious mind was more focused on the black words engraved on the hard thick cover of the book:  "The Journey to the West".

Flipping the flap over, the boy's large eyes widened in admiration and the ink drawing on the first page.  There was a monk sitting astride a noble steed, behind him an ugly brutish man, beside him a fat comical looking pig, and walking before him, holding a staff and wearing a band across his brow was a monkey.  Interested, Goku opened the book in the middle and read the title of the chapter: _The Monkey of the Mind Returns to the Right; All the Six Robbers Vanish From Sight._

Reading, he found a man named Tripitaka had found a monkey called Great Sage Equal to Heaven Wu-Kung imprisoned in a mountain, and Monkey had asked to be freed.

_"…I have neither ax nor drill.  How can I save you?"_

_"No need for ax or drill," said the monkey.  "If you are willing to rescue me, I'll be able to get out."_

_Tripitaka said, "I'm willing, but how can I get you out?"_

So enthralled by the words before him Goku's keen ears failed to hear the sounds of someone approaching Sanzou's study.  His head shot up when the door opened, revealing a middle-aged monk that he did not recognize.  The man was tall, and a bit overweight, though it was hard to tell with the billowing robes that he wore, but the double chin was a dead giveaway.  He was clean-shaven and bald like the other monks, though he was perspiring as if he had run a long way, and his thick neck was blushed red.  In his left hand, his stubby fingers ran over dark mahogany rosary beads.

Placing the book down on the desk, making sure it stayed open on the page he was on, Goku stood up and grinned at the gaping stranger and came to stand before him.  "Hello!" He greeted amiably.  Even though Sanzou was rude to the monks who came to his office, he had told Goku that he had to be respectful of his elders…until Sanzou told him otherwise.

The man blinked down at the boy before finally finding his voice:  "I was told that this is Sanzou-sama's study."

Goku nodded his head, "Ah-huh.  You're right; this is Sanzou's study.  But he's not here."

The man's face darkened suddenly, his brows furrowing and he glared at the boy.  "That is 'Sanzou-_sama_'!" He snapped.

It was Goku's turn to blink, wondering why the man was angry.  "That's right, Sanzou isn't here."

Suddenly the man's arm shot out, snagging his ear and causing the rosary beads to smack sharply against his cheek.  With a vicious pull that caused Goku to yelp in both pain and surprise, the man hissed, "You will speak Sanzou-sama's name with respect and reverence, boy!"

Goku could have broken the man's wrist right then and there.  He could have kicked out and smashed the monk's kneecap.  Instead he shouted angrily, "What are you doing?!  Let go, you fat jerk!"

The man smacked him.

Hard.

Goku stuck his tongue out and gently licked at the blood that was coming out of the cut on his lip, his mind working agonizingly slow.  Sanzou had never, _never_ struck him with his hand.  He only hit him with the fan on his head.  He never, _never_ let the monks strike him, telling them that if Goku did anything that deserved punishment, then he, Genjo Sanzou, would punish him. Yet here was a monk, who had just struck him on the face, drawing blood and looking half inclined to hit him again.  But…this was a _monk, _meaning he had to respect him.  Goku did not know whether to break the man's teeth or suck it up and remain respectful like Sanzou had told him to.  

The man stiffened at the sound of running feet coming towards them, his painful grip on Goku's small ear becoming even more painful.  Two pale looking monks stopped short at the scene unfolding before them, with the large monk punishing the boy Sanzou had made quite clear that they are _never_ to touch.

The large monk turned to face them, swinging Goku by his ear so that he stood in front of him.  Goku let out a small whimper of pain and looked up imploringly at the two monks.  He recognized them as the two who usually helped around guests.  Sanzou had told him that they were eloquent speakers, but all eloquence was rendered out of them by what they were witnessing…and probably the knowledge of a painful death if Sanzou found out about this.  Surely, these two would put the idiot brute to rights.

"E…Elder Inu-sama!  What are you doing?!"

Goku blinked in shock and tilted his head up gently without having his captor's wrath turn on him.  "Elder…Inu…sama?"

So, this was the man that had come to replace the late elder?  The previous elder had been a small, thin old man with failing eyesight.  He was gentle and soft-spoken and never raised a hand of violence against anyone, as was the will of Buddha…well…that was what Sanzou had told him.  Goku did not know what Buddha had to do with the fact that the previous Elder had been a nice guy.

The total opposite of the replacement.

Well, maybe once the monks explained to the man the way things worked, then he'd become nice as well.

Goku could not suppress and angry growl as Elder Inu shook him roughly by the ear, saying in a low angry voice, "This little thief was in Sanzou-sama's study!"

What?

_What?_

WHAT?

One of the monks smiled gently and said in a semi-calm voice, "This is no thief honorable Elder Inu-sama.  Sanzou-sama picked up the boy a couple of months ago, and is keeping him here and teaching him."

"Yes," agreed the other monk, bobbing his baldhead.  "And Sanzou-sama allows the boy to enter and leave the study as he pleases.  The boy was doing nothing wrong…we think."  The monk looked nervously into Sanzou's study, and when seeing nothing broken and everything looking still in order, he gave out a sigh of relief.

"Really?"  Asked Elder Inu curiously, letting go of Goku's throbbing ear, but keeping a firm hold on his thin shoulder.  He turned Goku to face him (though Goku only reached his robed stomach) and leaned forward, his nose slightly wrinkled in distaste.  Goku's large golden eyes met the elder's hard brown ones for a moment before the man snorted, "Are you saying that this little dirty waif is Sanzou-sama's disciple?  If so then why is he wearing common clothes and not the robes of a novice who is training to be one with Buddha?  Why isn't his hair sha…" He stopped short, his eyes finally falling to the golden diadem resting on Goku's brows.  

"Youkai," he spat hatefully.  "Genjo Sanzou-sama has brought into this holy temple a dirty youkai."

Ok…that didn't sound good.

"Please Elder Inu-sama, the boy is not to be touched by us by orders of Sanzou-sama himself.  If he did anything to insult you, once Sanzou-sama is back the boy will be punished."

Goku felt his temper rise at that, and turning his head over his shoulder he snapped, "But I didn't do anything!  He's the one who grabbed me and started yelling and hitting me!"

The monks now glared down at Goku.  "If Elder Inu-sama felt the need to punish you, then you indeed deserved to be punished."  

"But I didn't do anything!"  Wailed the boy, feeling a sharp pain of something unfamiliar in his chest.

_Are you happy?_

An image of Sanzou's cold hard look made a sudden flare of deep anger rise in the depths of Goku's soul.  He could see the way the monks were looking down at him, their contempt and disgust for 'Sanzou's pick-up'.  It had never bothered him before, in these months living here, but with Sanzou gone there was nothing to the temple but the same frightening loneliness and isolation of his stone prison high up in the mountains.

Goku bit his tongue when the Elder Inu shook him hard. "Silence!"  Snarled the man, pushing him out of the study and slamming the door shut with a loud boom that echoed down the halls of the temple.  Goku brought his hands up and covered his mouth, feeling tears rise up in eyes, though not from pain.  He didn't like this.  He didn't like this at all.

_Are you happy?_

"Quit your whimpering, boy," said Elder Inu, giving him another shake.  Goku closed his eyes, wanting nothing but to smash the man's face in so that he could stop his hateful yelling.  "It is obvious to me that Sanzou-sama has been spoiling you and you taking advantage of his kindness."

If Goku had been capable, he would have laughed.  The Sanzou he knew was anything but kind.  He was jerk, and violent.  There was no kindness at all in his heart, no room for the care of others.  He didn't care about anyone but himself.

_Are you happy?_

Switching his hold from Goku's shoulder to his arm, Elder Inu proceeded to drag Goku down one of the corridors saying, "The first thing we will rectify are your clothes.  As long as you live in this temple you will dress as a novice and accompany all the other promising boys in their lessons and chores as they learn the way of Buddha."

Goku stiffened as they rounded a corner, noticing that the two monks had not followed them.  He jerked back, making the man stop and turn on him with a raised eyebrow.  Goku said, "Why should I learn all that stupid stuff?  I don't want to become a stupid monk!  You guys don't even eat meat!"

"You dare defy me?!"  Snarled the man.

"And anyway, why should I learn to serve this Buddha person?  Sanzou told me that he doesn't even exist."  Snarled Goku back.

Elder Inu hit him.

Twice.

Very, very hard.

Goku felt his knees buckled under him and his head ring from the force of the blows.  No one in training had ever hit him with such force as to disorient him so.  He had even been flipped once and that hadn't fazed him.  Sanzou had always warned him to be careful when using his strength, for Goku was stronger in strength and power that the strongest of monks in the temple, yet here was a man who managed to hit Goku with a force he had never felt before.

A sudden animalistic need to flee took over Goku, making him buck and yank with all his might backward, away from the monk and his painful hold on him.  He shot his free arm out, trying to push the man off balance, but behind that robe and that fat was strong pulsing muscle that Goku could not budge.  He kicked out with his foot, hoping to sweep the man's feet from under him, but he cried out in horror when the man's other hand gripped his leg, holding it immobile as Elder Inu's snarling face broke out into a feral grin.

"A strong one, aren't you, little youkai," said Elder Inu in a low hissing whisper.  "But even though, you cannot win against one older and more experienced than you." He let go of Goku's leg and twisted Goku's thin arm backwards threateningly, "So you can choose to obey me or I can snap your scrawny twig arm."

Goku was scared now.  He had been scared before, when the feeling of loneliness came, or when be was stuck in the well.  But this was a new one, yet in an odd way familiar; the threat of pain, of hurt inflicted on him.  Sanzou had threatened to kill him many times before, but they were idle.  This man was quite serious with his threat, and Goku feared him, and he didn't like the feeling at all.

Ashamed, Goku nodded his head and the man loosened his hold on Goku's arm.  Goku pulled his limb to him, massaging at the vivid bruises that were already forming there while he stared up at the man fearfully.  The man was unpredictable.  For all he knew, he'd end up getting hit for breathing!

"Come on," said Elder Inu barked already heading down the corridor.  For a moment Goku contemplated running for it, but realized that the man might be quicker than him as well, and who knew what would happen if he was caught.  Shuddering at the thought, Goku followed submissively, keeping a good safe couple of feet away from the other.

_Are you happy?_

_***~*~*~***~*~*~***_

Sanzou started visibly when the fragile class of tea in his hand shattered.  Scowling, he stepped back as his hosts scrambled to him apologizing profusely, rationalizing that the glass broke from perhaps a crack…or something.

Looking away from their worried pasty faces, Sanzou looked out the window, his scowl deepening when he saw that the rain had not let up…in fact it had gotten harder and darker.  The weather was making him jittery if possible, making him itch to pull out one of his nicotine sticks, but he knew that one of the servants has sensitive lungs, and did not want to harm an innocent because of one of his cravings.

He really…really wanted to hit someone.  Where was the stupid little monkey when he needed him?  Not only was the weather bad, but also the whole visit had been boring beyond belief. His host and his wife driveling about their piousness and their dedication to the way of the Buddha and their awe of him, Genjo Sanzou.

So far, the shattering glass was the height of the day!

To put matters worse, their was a familiar annoying buzz in his ear, a whispering, a lonely cry that Sanzou had believed he had gotten rid of once he had freed the monkey.  

He remembered Goku's hurt, angry look as the boy shouted his hate for him.  He remembered his annoying impish grin when coming out of hiding from beneath his desk.  He remembered Goku's tears when pulled out of the well, and the pride in his golden eyes after finishing a task Sanzou had assigned for him.

Dammit, hadn't he given the boy enough?  He had freed him, started educating him, fed his insatiable hunger, clothed him, and given him a safe place to live…what else was to be expected of him?  Hadn't he done enough?

_"I never look for the sun, I always look away. But then you came and for a moment I thought the sun was coming to me. I just couldn't look away."_

"Sanzou-sama?  You look ill, perhaps you would like to retire?"

Sanzou blinked at his host, and his hovering wife.  Shaking his head he said, "No.  I think I've seen enough."

"E…enough, Sanzou-sama?"

Shit, he hated that title.  "I'm leaving.  Now."

"But…but…"

Sanzou glared at him coldly, daring the man to say another word.

Not half and hour later did Sanzou find himself alone walking out of the small city in the rain, cursing the monkey, cursing the voice, and cursing himself.

Someone…someone was going to pay.

***~*~*~***~*~*~***__

Goku silently let the man dress him in the novice monk's robes, his face blushing in embarrassment and shame at allowing the man to control him with fear.  He was then taken to cut his hair, but the barber refused to touch Goku's head for fear of Sanzou coming back and not liking the change.  The elder reluctantly agreed to Goku's relief.  He didn't want his hair cut.   Not yet at least, for it was the way it had always been, just the way he liked it.

Elder Inu then forced Goku to sit through his lecture to the other novices, making Goku sit right before him.  Goku did not listen, staring blankly at the man's mouth moving while thinking about the green grass outside with the wind blowing the thin blades.  So content in his day dream, Goku had not realized that the novices had been dismissed until Elder Inu sent a thin switch crashing against Goku's back.  

This was nothing compared to Sanzou battering him over the head with his fan.  Sure the fan hurt him, but the switch left it's mark painfully clear on his back.  Elder Inu hit him seven times while saying, "To think, our honorable Sanzou-sama lowering himself to rear a despicable beast like you!  Surely you aggravate his greatness with your unholy presence!"  

When he was done, Goku did not know which hurt more, the blows or the words.

It was the evening meal that everything crumbled.  The elder requested that Goku sit beside him for fear of more of Goku's mischief.  The other monks all nodded their heads knowingly and let the elder have his way.  Usually, Goku would be served some outside order or assorted meats, but Elder Inu had already forbidden it so that Goku was served the same amount and the same food that was served to everyone else.

Goku would have yelled, cried, made such a scene that would have the monks scurrying to get him some more food.  If Sanzou were here, he'd simply take him out and buy him something.  But Sanzou was gone, and Goku was sitting stiff beside the Elder Inu, his back still stinging from the blows he had received not fifteen minutes ago.

Goku felt his stomach grumble in hunger, but he ignored it, staring dully at the mixed vegetables and rice on his tray, his small hand clutching the chopsticks.  A shadow came looming over him from the side and Goku looked up at the Elder Inu who glared disapprovingly down at him and his untouched food.

"Is the meal not good enough for you?"  He asked darkly.

Goku swallowed hard and carefully placed his utensils down.  In a small voice he said, "I'm not hungry."

_Are you happy?_

The monk on his other side stopped eating and looked at him in surprise.  Seeing the dejection in the small boy's eyes and posture and the looming disapproval of the Elder hovering over the boy, the monk said gently, "It may not be meat, but it is still good, Goku-san.  Why don't you try it?  You haven't eaten anything today."

Goku ducked his head and said shakily, "I'm sure its good and all…but I'm not hungry.  I can't eat."

"You just won't eat it because there is no meat!"  Snapped the elder.

Goku noticed something then.  There was an odd scent to the Elder Inu.  All the humans he had met so much had shared a familiar scent that made them…human.  But the Elder Inu…his scent was one he had never smelled before.  Could that be why he was stronger than the others?

"Are you going to stare at your hands or are you going to answer?" 

"Please Elder Inu-sama, let the boy leave if he is not hungry.  He looks ill in my opinion."

"He is a free loading brat.  Sanzou-sama has been too soft on this savage youkai spawn!  You say Sanzou-sama found him in a prison, well he was put there for a reason, and though Sanzou-sama believes he can be redeemed with kindness, I believe that he needs a strict overseer to put him on the path of Buddha!"

Goku stood then, slowly, ignoring the Elder's murderous look as he turned his back on him and the other monks, walking out of the dining hall and shutting the door behind him.  

And with an odd pain in his head, and a sharp knife in his chest, Goku broke into a run.

_Are you happy?_

Letting his feet take carry him, Goku came to a halt outside Sanzou's study.  Breathing heavily, Goku reached and pulled at the doorknob, only to find it locked.

But Sanzou had ordered the monk's to keep it open!

With a snarl, Goku ran the way he came, past the dining hall where he heard the monks reciting a sutra and out the front door into the pouring rain.  

Above the gray weeping sky lit with lightening, followed momentarily with the heaven's howl cracking.  Goku stumbled on some muddied grass, loosing both his slippers and muddying his novice robes.  Pushing himself back on his feet, the boy continued to run around the temple till he came to a familiar window.  Jumping up, he caught on to the slippery sill and pulled himself to the ledge.  With a mighty push, he broke the window latch, opening the window doors and allowing him entrance to the warm dry insides.

The window of Sanzou's study was positioned right behind Sanzou's desk, so when Goku jumped in and shut the window, he found himself staring at the book he had been reading, its pages fluttering in the wind from outside.  Lifting his sodden head, Goku surveyed the dark empty room, a heaviness coming upon him, the sharp pain in his chest twisting.  

Taking a couple of steps toward the desk, the golden eyed boy peered down at the pages, stopping their turning with a wed, muddied hand.  Looking at the words that he could barely see in the darkness, he read out loud to the empty room, his voice ringing in his ears:

_"My Master has come! My Master has come!  My Master has come!  Master, why have you taken so long to get here?"_

He would have read more have he not been blinded by the sudden onset of tears.  Stepping back, he wiped at his face with a dirty arm, trying to stifle his sobs.

_Are you happy?_

Crouching, he crawled under the desk, pushing the chair so that its legs barred his way out.  His cave, his prison.  Curling up like he used to before Sanzou came and showed him the sun, he shut his eyes, letting the tears trail down his dirty cheeks.  

In the beginning, when he woke up with no memories in the stone prison high up in the mountains, he had cried in his loneliness, had gone into rages and tried to break the chains that bound him, to break the bars that held him within.  He believed at some points he had gone crazy, staring at the sun, but never being able to bask in its warmth.  So he had given up, turned his back on the sun and its warmth, crawling deep into the bowels of the cave's shadows.  He wouldn't look forward for the sun.

_Are you happy?_

Sanzou had given him the sun, the hope for tomorrow, the freedom to run and feel the warmth.  Yet…

_Are you happy?_

Without Sanzou…__

It was like he had never left his prison…

_Are you happy?_

Without Sanzou…

There was no sun…

There was no hope…

There was no warmth…

_Are you happy?_

Burying his head into his arms, Goku wept, the answer clear to him.

Without Sanzou…there was no such thing as 'happy'.

***~*~*~***~*~*~***

Sanzou paused in his trek to rub at his ear.  The stupid calling was getting louder and more frantic.  With a snarl he picked up his pace, cursing as his white robes became sodden with rain, and his socks and slippers to become muddied beyond repair.

Lifting his head, he let the rain hit his pale stiff face for a moment before wishing the heavens to hell and starting again down the path, his pace even quicker.  He could sense that something was wrong, but what he couldn't tell.  Whatever it was, he had to return to Chou-an…even if it meant trekking through the accursed rain and muck.

Someone was going to pay dearly for this.

***~*~*~***~*~*~***

The door swung open, crashing against the wall.  Goku jumped, banging his head against the roof of the desk.  He held still, holding his breath, knowing by the odd scent who had come to Sanzou's office looking for him.

"I know you are there, little youkai.  Come out and your punishment won't be as severe if I have to come get you out from under that desk," growled Elder Inu.

Wiping the tears, and taking a deep breath, Goku pushed Sanzou's chair away and crawled out from under the safety of his savior's desk.  He would not cower from this man.  Sanzou had told him when confronting something he fears, he should face it face forward, his head held high like a man.  With careful steps, he walked around the desk to stand before the man who smirked down at him, his teeth seeming to flash white in the darkness.  Goku's eyes then caught sight of the switch in the man's hand, the same hand that had the rosary beads.

Elder Inu raised the switch, saying, "You know what you deserve for you insolence and disobedience, don't you?"

Goku glared, he was going to be hit no matter what.  "I didn't do anything," he said.

The boy saw the switch swinging toward his face and managed to get his arm up to shield his face from the blow that struck him so hard that he was sent sprawling on his side.  Elder Inu came to stand over him, placing a slippered foot on Goku's side, holding him down.

"I can't understand it," said Elder Inu mildly.  "Why would Sanzou-sama take in a youkai child?  One would think that he'd hate youkai since it was youkai that killed his master.  But then…you're young, and I can see why some simpering monk would take pity on you.  You look pathetic."  

Goku blinked, confused.  The Elder had just insulted Sanzou!  But didn't the guy worship the ground Sanzou walked on?

Elder Inu snorted, unraveling the rosary beads from his hand.  "It doesn't matter now.  I can see that you'll get in the way if you stick around.  Besides…" Goku's eyes widened as the monk changed before his eyes.  His fat turning into bulging muscles, sharp fangs protruded out from his mouth, and his ears became elongated and pointed.  "Besides…you may look scrawny, but you're a strong little shit.  You're too dangerous."

Goku's mouth dropped open, and pointed his hand up at the now transformed elder, "Wait a minute!  Are you a vampire?"

The Elder's now ugly face went blank for a moment before he answered, "I'm a youkai you little fool."

Goku frowned, confused, "But I don't look or smell like that!  How can I be a youkai?"

"You mean you never knew what a youkai was?!"  Demanded an incredulous elder.

"No.  You're the first one."  Goku paused in thought then added, "And I can't be youkai.  I'm Goku, Son Goku."

The youkai in disguise chuckled down at the boy darkly, "Aren't you a little innocent one?  Well, these stupid humans say that when people die they become Buddha, perhaps that goes the same for little innocent youkai."

Goku tried to slide from under the youkai's foot, but the other pressed his weight down on Goku's small ribs.  Wincing, Goku demanded, "You want to kill me?"

The youkai sneered, "You're too dangerous to keep alive.  I'm supposed to kill Sanzou-sama once he comes back from his little trip, but I was certain that I'd wind up having to face you since the monks told me that you're constantly at his side.  And like I said, you're a strong shit, so it'd be hard to kill you and Sanzou-sama at the same time."

"You wanna kill Sanzou!"  Gasped Goku in horror.

"The whole plan was to disguise myself as a human and kill the man.  You are just a little thorn in my plan.  But with you gone, Sanzou's death is assured."

Goku had told Sanzou he hated him.  The fact was, Goku didn't understand what hate was until he heard these cold words coming from the youkai's mouth.  With a snarl, Goku started to trash and buck under the youkai's foot shouting, "You're not going to touch Sanzou!"

The youkai barked a laugh, pulling out a thin blade from the folds of the monk's robes.  "The naiveté humans in this temple have fallen in love with me because I am the only one willing to put you in your place.  Once you are dead I'll stash your body in the woods, and they will think that you have finally runaway.  Then, when Sanzou-sama arrives in two days, I will smother him in his bed so that it looks like he died in his sleep."

"No!"  Goku cried out in pain when the youkai kicked him in the shoulder, his joint making a sickening cracking sound.  Pain enveloped his senses, his mind reeling in the searing pain of his shoulder being dislocated.

"The monks are all in the main hall, all chanting their sutra's together.  No one will hear you when you scream, Son Goku.  Just like no one will hear Sanzou's struggles when I kill him."

Goku was about to snarl at the man when his ears caught the sound of something snapping in his head.  Like the turning of a key in a locked door, opening secrets within.  The youkai was gone, as was Sanzou's study.  He lay in a somewhat dream state, his body enveloped in a warm familiar light that made him feel safe, yet sorrowful at the same time.  He could make out figures, people whom he knew and recognized, but could not name.  One seemed to look straight at him, and Goku wanted to run to him…

No!  He didn't want him to fade away!  He didn't want him to disappear!  Who was he?  He knew him, this important person!  He wanted to go to him, to have all his questions answered…

…to this person with hair that shone like the sun…

Then…like the locking of the same door, everything returned to black…

…and nothingness.

***~*~*~***~*~*~***__

Sanzou reached the temple of Chou-an in the early morning, his body shivering from the cold of the continuously pouring rain.  He could tell immediately that his instincts had been right, for something had gone wrong.  He could sense the aura of a strong youkai, and something else…

Something far more powerful and deadly.

He was greeted with shock and fear by the monks, none of them coming to face him or looking into his eyes as he strode onto the grounds and into the temple, heading directly to the source of this disturbing essence.  He did not bother to interrogate the monks yet, his mind centered on the overwhelming feeling of hate and rage.

Sanzou stopped short when he came to the door of his study.  

Here was the center.

Looking over his shoulder, he saw a parade of trembling monks behind him, without a trace of untamable brown hair, and happy golden eyes.  A feeling of absolute dread twisted at Sanzou's gut, and for a moment, he did not want to open the door, for then he would have to face whatever truth lay within.

"Where is he?"  Demanded Sanzou harshly.

His only answer was a cacophony of terrified blubber.

With a snarl, Sanzou threw his door open to find his study in ruins.  The neat shelves of books and documents were all shredded, his side tables and chairs shattered beyond repair.  His window was gone, a gaping hole in its place.  Blood was splattered on the walls and floor as of someone relished butchering the victim.  The only thing left untouched was his desk, and a single book.

He entered, stepping over wood, paper, and debris till he came to his desk.  Lifting the book in his hand he looked to the page that it had been left on, reading the first words that caught his eyes:

"Master, why have you taken so long to get here?  Welcome!  Welcome!  Get me out and I will protect you on your way to the Western Heaven!"

"What is this shit?"  Hissed Sanzou, throwing the book away from him, now finally turning his anger toward the cowering monks.  "Someone better answer me soon, or I swear I will kill every one of you!"  He took out his gun and aimed it at them to their horror.

One scrambled forward, groveling on his hands and knees at the entrance of Sanzou's study, refraining from entering the room.  "Sanzou-sama!  Something terrible has happened!"

Sanzou stalked up to him snarling, "Do you think I'm blind?!  What the hell is going on?!"

"The new elder, Elder Inu-sama…he…he was a youkai in disguise, Sanzou-sama!"

Sanzou narrowed his cold eyes on the unfortunate man asking, "And why didn't any of you sense this?  Surely one of you is capable to sensing a youkai's presence?"  He glanced at the other monks, and then snarled.  No, of course none of them would be able to sense a hostile enemy next to them!  "Go one!"  He snapped.

The youkai tricked us to all chant a sutra together in the main hall, and then we believe he came here looking for young Goku-san.  We then all felt a wild surge of dark youki and came here only to find the youkai disemboweled and dying."

"And Goku?"

"We couldn't find him anywhere, though we were able to find his diadem, broken in half."

Sanzou paused at this.  Goku's golden diadem was a youki limiter, meant to keep Goku's powers hidden and contained.  Glancing at the room and blood, Sanzou could not believe that this was the result of Goku being released from the diadem and its immense holy power.

Shaking his thoughts, Sanzou asked, "And the youkai?"

"He's been warded into a room.  His injuries cannot be healed.  He's dying, Sanzou-sama."

Sanzou growled, "Take me to him."

"But…" protested the monk.

"NOW!"

The monks scrambled out of the way as Sanzou stomped out of his ruined study.  He was led two rooms down, and silently watched as the wards were taken down and the door unlocked.  He entered, with the monks hovering at the doorway.

The youkai was large, lying on a straw mat, bandages drenched in blood wrapped around his open gut.  It was true; the youkai was not going to last another hour.

The youkai saw him enter and whispered through broken teeth, "I see you, Genjo Sanzou-sama."

"Why did you come here?"  Demanded the young monk.

The youkai smiled, and then coughed up blood.  "To kill you of course."

Sanzou narrowed his eyes, "Why did you go after Goku?"

"The little shit?  He was dangerous…I was right.  Too dangerous.  Had to get rid of him…before…before you came back."

Sanzou knelt next to dying youkai and said, "Tell me what happened to Goku and I will make your end quick and painless."

"When I hit him…had to hit him hard, 'cause I could tell he was strong…dangerous.  Made him miserable…drove him away to be alone.  Found him in your study…alone.  Hit him hard, even dislocated his puny shoulder.  Told him I was going to kill you…yeah…that was it…I told him I was going to kill you…and that got him pissed…so very pissed.  Never seen anything with such hate and rage…and he's just a little shit!"  He chocked on some more blood, struggling to breathe and talk at the same time.  "Then…then he got all weird, like he be seeing things…and that crown of his…it snapped right there on his head…it broke…and he changed."  The youkai's large hand reached out, trembling and grasped Sanzou's wet sleeve, "I thought he was youkai…yeah I though he was youaki…but he ain't!  He ain't no youkai!  There ain't no youkai that strong…that crazy!  He jumped me, then went on at my stomach, ripping me an' laughing…laughing!  He be enjoying it!"  He paused, "Must have thought I was dead…cause he ran out the window and went into the rain!  He's a little monster!  Yeah…a little grinning death…smiling and laughing as he ripped me to shreds…" He started to laugh, blood flying out of his mouth.

Sanzou said nothing, staring dispassionately at the youkai before raising his gun and shooting him through the head.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. FOUR

**_NOTES:  Ok.  Here is the last chapter of this story.  But WAIT!  Stay tuned for the last story of The River Arc.  There is a complementary summery of the newest story coming soon (whenever I get to it) at the end of this chapter.    _**

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**_God I stink…but anyway, please review if you like it, and e-mail me if you want to ask any questions.  It makes any writer feel like their writing is worth something if there is some…ANY kind of response from the reader ._**

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**_Actually, I must apologize because this fic was supposed to be uploaded on June 13, but my grandfather passed away, and I had to go to New Jersey to be with my family. Then I went on vacation for a month.   I just got back, so here it is._**

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**_Um…a couple of months ago I was looking at some scanned pictures from some of the newest installments of Gaiden.  Goku was going postal up in heaven and his shirt got torn up and he had this tattoo thingy on his belly.  I guessed that since all youkai have some kind of markings on their bodies (usually on their faces) that was Goku's marking.  I don't know what it means, but I'm going to add it in this chapter.  If anyone knows what the heck it really is please feel free to send me a message…^_^ \/_**

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**_WARNING:  Son Goku, some blood, some violence, and Sanzou sometimes talking to himself and Goku's voice is his mind. It'll make sense once you read it._**

UNABLE TO WIN 

**Part IV**

_"Sanzou-sama, you can't go out alone!"_

_"Sanzou-sama, if he was able to take down a youkai of such power, how can you go out alone only with your gun to face him?"_

_"Sanzou-sama!  Here, take some weapons!  These will surely do the job."_

_"Sanzou-sama, these wards will help.  You can trap him and seal him someplace with these."_

_…_

Idiots.  Sick, selfish, idiots.

They all deserved to drop dead for their hypocritical notions.

He could tell by the dull darkness in their shaky eyes that they expected him not to really seal Goku away, but to kill him.  Forget the fact that they were Buddhist, and that Buddhism forbade killing.  Forget the fact that Genjo Sanzou was one of the few people supposedly closest to Buddha.  Forget the fact that Goku had just been running through the halls after some kind of mischief just the day before, laughing and smiling like any other child.

_"Sanzou!  Look!"_

No…they trusted their precious Sanzou-sama to do the job.

He really should shoot all of them through their two-faced hearts.

As Sanzou walked down the muddy path, his thoughts became dark; the rain thundering down on his exposed head and drenching his shoulders, trying to beat him down, trying to hold him back from what he had set out to do.  Or was it trying to stop him from what the other's believed he would do?  And what was it?  Once he found Goku and came face to face with the terror that had gutted a very powerful youkai, what would his final assessment be?  To become judge and jury and pull the trigger like the monks believed he would…or try to be some kind of idiotic self-sacrificing champion and return Goku back to the way he was before?

And did he even want the annoying wretch back?

_"I…I thought you were the sun."_

Sun…heh…stupid, stupid little monkey.  

"I don't remember anything before the prison. I know I must have done something really, really bad…"

What happened was that Goku's diadem was taken off, or broken off.  And by looking at what had happened to the youkai Inu, it could be easily said that Goku's mind was not there, only the hunger and need for blood.  Yet…Sanzou had never heard about a child youkai so out of control so that they thirsted and hunted for blood.  Or at least not one that lost control without a limiter…Actually, Sanzou had never heard of a child youkai needing a youki limiter to control his power.  Or of a youkai child that possessed such strength to be able to butcher a youkai that was older, larger, and more experienced that it.

_"Right. It's Goku. Son Goku!"_

Idiot…annoying…pest of a monkey!

Day and night had passed since he had left Chou-an to find Goku, and for the whole day and night it had rained abysmally without any signs of letting up.  The sky was the most depressing shades of shifting gray, the gloom weighting down on the earth like a malignant hand sent to smother the inhabitants with its dreary calling.  To a romantic, a day like this would be perfect for some lover to kill himself or herself is some fevered hope to join a loved one who had passed away from this world and into another.  It was all idiotic drivel in Sanzou's opinion.  In this world, in this reality, there was no such thing as love, only an illusion made by said romantics and young naïve people who believed in lies and self-deception to try to be happy.

There was only one truth to Sanzou, and that was what his master had taught him.  If you meet a person, kill him…. and if you meet Buddha, kill him as well…the way of non-attachment, to remain unfettered with no one holding you back or getting in your way…to be invulnerable.

He was a Buddhist monk…yet he killed, drank, and smoked.  Not his position nor any monk could dictate the way he lived, not Buddha himself could stop him on whatever he would decide when finding Goku.  Sanzou had sealed his fate from the moment he freed the little pest high up in the mountains, when he had given in to the incessant calling that drove him to find the one who dared disturb him.  Goku was his responsibility, no one else's.  They were stuck together till one of them died…

Sanzou stopped short, the rain's thundering ringing loudly in his ears, his hair completely matted on his head and laying limply over his downcast eyes.  Brooding, considering.  

No.  The decision wouldn't be made until he saw Goku.  He didn't care what the youkai said, or what the other addle-brained monks believed: he would see with his own eyes what was the true form of Goku, and judge for himself what the next step would be.

_"But the sun is over there, and you are over here, so you can't be the sun, right?"_

…The sun of what, Goku?  How does a monkey with a half brain like you think?  The sun is something untouchable and burns whatever touches it.  You get close you get hurt.  Isn't that what happened Goku?  You allowed yourself to become attached to me and became the target of one of my enemies.  If you survive, what will you do?  Will you stay with the person whom you once believed to be the sun itself?  Or will you shun it, like you said the day we met, to look away and never believe it will come to you…

Sanzou blinked in mild surprise when a squirrel dashed from between his robbed legs, making a beeline towards a large tree not far off the muddy path he was on.  He nearly jumped, completely startled, when five other squirrels dodged around him, following that first little fugitive, as if racing to see who would reach their large destination first.  Lifting his water logged head up, his eyes widened as he witnessed dozens of squirrels jumping through dripping braches, to other trees, all going the same way…the same route.

Funny that they'd be out and about in the rain.  Woodland animals usually searched for dryer places when Mother Nature decided to go gloomy.  Looking over his shoulder from the direction the little furry mammals had come, Sanzou found himself sensing nothing out of the ordinary.  But when he turned his concentration to the large tree that the squirrels were flocking to, for a moment his mind reeled from the immense presence that he sensed there.

Could it be…?

He paused…hesitated.  Was it even possible for such a small creature like Goku to possess such power?  But he had seen the strong ancient wards on Goku's prison, he had been aware that the diadem emitted an amazing amount of spiritual power to contain Goku's youki.  But still…that much strength was incomprehensible!

Sanzou clenched his jaws together, grinding his teeth in agitation.  Was this some kind of sick joke?  Bad karma from a previous life?  What????

_"You're not letting me go because you're a big mean jerk!"_

Stupid, good for nothing, loud mouthed monkey!!!!!

His resolve was set, and he started to march toward the large tree, the squirrels above making faster progress on the branches above him.   The gods were laughing at his expense, watching him following some pea brained creatures in the middle of the pouring rain.  If Goku _were_ the imposing presence that the squirrels were flocking to, then everything would end soon, for better or for worse…if there even existed a better.

He could barely tolerate the sloshing noise coming from his sandals when coming into contact with the wet ground.  The only form of relief he was getting was the fact that NOW the rain was beginning to recede and lessen. 

As the large tree came into Sanzou's view, the young monk noticed that not only squirrels were heading the same direction, but so were some rabbits, raccoons, badgers, and he spotted a couple of boars sloshing through the bushes not to far away.  Could these simple creatures also sense the strong youki and therefore feel drawn toward it…like a moth drawn to a light?

But he stopped short, his mind going blank in bewilderment as he came to the giant tree and found a sight that he never would have imagined himself to see in any reality.  For it seemed as if he was not in this world, but another, where everything remained pure and untouched from the harsh realities of life:  A reality where there is life that ends in death, blissful ignorance corrupted by harsh truths and realizations that youthful dreams would never come true.

It was Goku…but a different Goku.  His long brown hair which usually was tied back in a tail flowed open down his back, his ears elongated and pointed high like any other youkai, and his nails long and sharp enough to shred through the toughest skin.  For some demented reason he was wearing the remnants of what used to be a novices robe, though it was torn almost beyond recognition, the top completely gone and the bottom barely able to keep the boy decent.  But what had stilled all movement and thought from Sanzou was the way the wild boy lay curled in between two large roots that protruded from the earth, taking refuge beneath the tree's canopying branches and leaves from the rain.  Surrounding him, unafraid, were hundreds of woodland creatures, all sitting in total silence and stillness as if making sure nothing would disturb the youkai boy's sleep.

"G…Goku…?"

As if his human voice infected the surreal atmosphere, the animals all took flight, shrieking in terror as they scrambled away to safety from some unknown danger.  Their frightened noises were shrill and grating, and Sanzou had to suppress a shiver as the last drop of rain fell and disappeared into the muddy earth.  

Whether it was from the animals' flight or Sanzou's voice, Goku began to stir.  Sanzou watched impassively, not taking any step closer as the young youkai he had saved all those months ago turned onto his back, stretching lazily.  Golden orbs that seemed to glow ominously in his full state cracked open and gazed up into the drenched leafy branches of the tree he lay under, the first rays of sunlight seeping between them.  He raised his arm, and opened his clawed hand wide, entranced by something that only he could see and understand.

"I see things…and I start to remember, but then its stolen from me, and I forget."

Did this Son Goku remember his past?  Did he know what crimes he had done to deserve the punishment of memory loss and centuries of imprisonment?  Maybe now he could get some answers out of the stupid monkey that he couldn't before.

"Oi…Goku!" he called out roughly, not acknowledging at all the relief he was feeling at finally finding the little pest safe and sound.

At his call, the little youkai went totally rigid, his hand dropping and his head twisted slowly to meet him.  Sanzou stopped short at the confrontational look that threatened a very long painful death if he dared come any closer.  It was something he never thought Goku was capable of.  It was a daunting thought, but this Goku intimidated Sanzou.

But like hell if he was going to let the other know it.

Clenching his hands into fists, Sanzou approached Son Goku.  The little youkai leapt to his feet, and growled, a feral noise that vibrated from his soul.  Sanzou had never seen the boy so tense, so filled with rage and fury so obvious that his mere gaze seemed to sizzle the air between them.

"You'll walk away and not look back…and forget…" 

…I'm here aren't I, little monkey? And there's no way in hell am I going to walk away with you looking down at me so disrespectfully.  But then you never had respect for anyone, did you, Goku?  The way you went around breaking things, snitching food, and bringing in anything that caught your eye AND the mud that was on it.  Actually, you're the only one who calls me without that dreaded "sama" title that makes me want to hurl…

"Disrespectful?  You're always disrespectful to your elder's, Sanzou.  I think you just like to hit me…and you hit hard!"

…You think so?  Who gave you the right to be so familiar with me, Goku?  Who gave you the right to become so attached that by someone else threatening me; you lost yourself in your anger?  Look at you…you're little more than some animal with its territory trespassed.  What are you going to do about it?…

"I hate you!" 

As if hearing Sanzou's inner taunting, Son Goku snarled, his fangs clashing together.  Standing there, Sanzou saw an odd circular tattoo in the middle of Goku's young compacted abdomen.  It was a symbol Sanzou did not recognize and wondered about its hidden meaning.

With a final snarl, Goku lunged, his deadly clawed hand going for Sanzou's abdomen.  It would be a painful wound that would bleed a lot and take a long time for him to die.  So…Son Goku wanted pain as well as blood.  Interesting since he had left the youkai Inu in the temple dying from both pain and blood loss.  His would be assassin had said that Goku was smiling when he had struck, smiling at the blood, smiling at the agony he was inflicting, the anguish of the dying sustenance for a soul shrouded in hate and fury.

Sanzou dodged the attack pushing aside the mild surprise that Goku was capable of attacking him.  He wondered if Son Goku had managed to strike him…would he have smiled, his eyes shining in cruel delight at causing pain to the one he looked up to…the only one he looked for in a crowd…his supposed sun…

"I finished all the work you gave me already, and I finished the reading assignment.  See, I did everything!"

…Idiot.  Haven't you learned yet that I'm a stubborn bastard?  You thought that just by begging in that aggravating voice of yours that in the end I'd take you with me?  You had won with me in many things, monkey, but for once I beat you and managed to leave, even though you were mad at me, even though you cried, even though you said you hated me.  As if your feelings mattered, your concerns, your emotions had an affect on me?  I am Genjo Sanzou, and if I choose it, I will kill you.  What have you to say to that…Goku?…

The small youkai attacked him again, his bare feet and hands everywhere, trying to rip him apart.  He dodged easily, for even though Goku had the strength and youki, he was still just a child, an infant in experience. There was barely any calculation in his attacks, just the maddening urge to shred the existence of the person in front of him.  

Sanzou winced when he lost footing in the mud and went plummeting to the wet ground. Goku was on him in less that a second, his small weight pushing him back to the earth.  Sanzou gasped and shot his hands up, intercepting Goku's claws from plunging into his abdomen.  His eyes met Goku's in that moment, looking deeply into the golden depths and trying to see any sign of the boy he had freed and kept with him.

"Sanzou!  I'm not here!" 

The young monk hissed as Goku pushed down, feeling the sharp knife like nails piercing through his robe and into his skin, blood immediately seeping from the puncture and staining the white robe red.  "Goku…" he chocked out, trying to push the boy away, "Goku…snap out of it dammit!  Stupid piece of shit!  If you make one more tear in this robe I'm going to shoot you through the head and end it!  Calm down!!!"

"Sanzou told a lie!" 

…Where are you, Goku?  What happened to you back then that made you go over the edge?  Why is there so much hatred in you…so different from the Goku I know?  Son Goku…are you the reason for the imprisonment?  Also, are you the reason Goku is still alive right now after what happened in the temple?  Are you so lost in the turmoil of your rage that you don't recognize anything or anyone you know?…

"I don't wanna stay if you're going to go!" 

When the nails dug deeper, Sanzou snarled and let go of one of the boy's hands and swung at his head, sending Goku flying off him.  He stumbled to his feet, holding his hand over the deep puncture hole in his stomach.  He hissed in pain, and glared balefully at the small youkai that was shaking his head dizzily.

"You think the likes of you can kill me?"  He barked out a laugh.  "You truly are an idiot monkey if you think you can beat me so easily.  I'm not some brainless youkai, nor am I like anyone else in this world."

Goku howled in frustration at being thwarted, and lunged again.  A stupid move for even if he did have speed and strength over Sanzou, Sanzou had brains and that was more powerful than anything.  Grasping Goku's arm, he twisted it around the boy's back painfully and watched the little youkai struggle for a moment before pushing him away roughly.  

The enraged boy stumbled forward, and whirled around to face him again.  Never in Sanzou's life had he seen any being with eyes so filled with wrath centered at one person.  

He smirked, shaking his head as he looked down at the boy, such a small waif like thing.  "Take a good look at me, monkey," he said softly, almost gently.  "Memorize my face so next time you will remember that I am the only one who can beat you in this deranged form of yours."

For a moment, Goku hesitated, blinking his eyes and frowning almost curiously at Sanzou, as if trying to remember him, to put his face to someone he once knew.  His golden eyes shimmered with something haunting, something that went deeper than the rage…a deep wound in Goku's soul that he knew of, but could not remember from where or what.  Those memories of the past, the cause of his imprisonment, those things even made this Son Goku pause.

So there it was, the one thing Sanzou had been looking for.  The sign that beyond this creature of hate and malice there still existed the idiotic monkey who had called him all those months ago.  Goku still remained in Son Goku, and as long as there was that, Goku would never die in such a state of turmoil.  Not by his hands, not by any other hands.

Goku's diadem had been made by a large amount of spiritual energy, and if a Sanzou is supposedly was one of the closest human to Buddha, then he, Genjo Sanzou damn well should be able to focus enough to make another.  Almost like making a ward, but without anything to transmit all that ki into…it had to be strong enough to become solid on its own. 

"I don't want you to leave me alone!" 

…Yes Goku.  That is your fear, to be left alone, abandoned.  A stupid notion that only you would come up with.  To be alone is to never form any attachments, and non-attachment meant invulnerability.  Are you happy knowing that your…caring…for me is your weakness?  Your fear of abandonment your only fear.  Not death, not pain…no they cannot touch you.  Being with me, and being a bleeding thorn in my side means that you are not alone.  If you killed me with those hands of yours…how would you feel, Goku?  What would go through you're mind?  Would you cry?…

The moment broke and Goku growled, clenching his fists that shook.

Sanzou stood straight and lifted his arms up, leaving himself wide open and vulnerable.  "Come on, you brainless animal.  Drive your fist…" he pointed to his heart, tapping his chest with his thumb, "drive it straight through.  That's what you want, don't you?  Well, we'll see who will win over who…Goku."

Goku roared at this, whether from understanding the words or understanding the taunting tone.  Crouching low, he leapt to the side, trying to strike from his blind side.  The first intellectual move since Sanzou met him.  Sanzou ducked from a blow that would have left a gaping hole in his cranium.  Turning around, he watched coolly as the boy ran around him, trying to confuse him with his speed.

Stupid monkey.

Concentrating, he waited for Goku to pass by the large tree before he let out a loud shout, flinging his arm outward and letting loose the full binding power of his holy sutra.  The elongated divine scrolls shot out, catching the little youkai by surprise and wrapping themselves around the boy, sending him crashing into the large tree, his small muddied feet tangling off the ground.  He let out a loud shriek, and struggled ferociously, kicking his scrawny legs, and attempting to claw at the scrolls that held him in place.  

Sanzou watched mildly at Goku writhing in the constraints before taking steady steps to him.  They wild youkai became more frantic as he approached, tossing his head from side to side in an attempt to escape the inevitable. His struggles were in vain since the holy sutras could probably even hold back a kami if need be.  When Sanzou came to stand before Goku, the boy turned his head away, shaking in rage and helplessness, his eyes shut, his teeth bared and clenched. 

"I never looked for the sun…I always looked away…" 

The young man lifted his hand, which was covered in his own blood, and placed it on Goku's head, causing the boy to start and look up at him in shock at the gentle almost fatherly touch.  "I've already told you this, ape," he said, "never look away from me.  No matter what, you're going to face me and look me in the eyes like a man.  If you close your eyes and turn your head away, you'll never escape for the rest of your life…"  

With these gentle words, he lifted his other hand and placed it over Goku's forehead, ignoring the way the boy stiffened at this new contact.  Focusing on his spiritual power, he concentrated it into his hand, the image of Goku's golden diadem, and watching it take solid form on the boy's brow.  

"…But then you came, and for a moment I thought the sun was coming to me…" 

Goku convulsed, and his eyes dilated.  In mere seconds Sanzou witnessed Goku's ears shrinking, and his hands returning to his more human looking form.  The sharp fangs in the boy's mouth that could probably break bones if needed disappeared to the small baby teeth of a very human looking child. And when Sanzou removed his hand, and retracted the sutra, the boy collapsed in a dead faint into his waiting arms.

_"…and I couldn't look away…"_

With Goku in his arms, Sanzou let his knees buckle, and allowed the exhaustion and relief to finally set in.  Leaning his back against the strong trunk of the mighty tree that had witnessed their confrontation, Sanzou let the boy sleep on his lap while he lit a cigarette and let the addicting nicotine sooth his nerves.  He'd start making his way back to the temple…once he could think straight.

"…see?"

***~*~*~***~*~*~***~*~*~***

Deeper…push…go deeper…

The sun's warm rays helped stir Goku into wakefulness.  The familiar scent of his pillow and the warm quilt on his bed making him instinctively curl deeper into his comfort and consider going back to sleep.  But like every other morning, wakefulness brought the maddening hunger that made his stomach growl quite loudly in demand for sustenance to quell its wants.  Perhaps Sanzou would take him into town and buy him some of his favorite meat buns…

"No one will hear you when you scream, Son Goku."

It hit him, a thundering blow that made his eyes open wide and made that hungering growling in his stomach clench uncomfortably, nausea making him swallow hard as the urge to hurl.  He remembered the youkai that had disguised himself as the new elder, the way he had maliciously driven him into hiding in Sanzou's study, only to attack him in the hopes of getting rid of him so he may assassinate Sanzou.

"Just like no one will hear Sanzou's struggles when I kill him."

"Sanzou!" cried Goku, lurching upward and throwing his warm quilt off.  He had to find Sanzou; he had to save him before…

If it were possible for a living creature to swallow its own tongue, then Goku would have defiantly swallowed his, for sitting on the wooden chair next to his small table sat Genjo Sanzou reading a newspaper, the epitome of nonchalant.  As Goku sat frozen in his bed, Sanzou slipped off his reading glasses and flopped the worn newspaper on the table, looking at Goku with unfathomable eyes.

_Deeper…_

Shock turning to elation, Goku let out a joyful laugh and shot up to his feet.  "Sanzou!  You're…" He went rigid, smelling a familiar metallic scent coming from the monk.  In actuality, the smell was all Goku could smell.  

Blood…Sanzou's blood. 

Eyes wide with worry, Goku asked, "Sanzou, did the vampire get you?"

"Vampire?" asked Sanzou, one fair eyebrow rising up to hide behind his bangs.  Shaking his head, he said sardonically, "I don't even want to know."

"Sanzou, you don't understand," gushed Goku, hoping up and down and waving his arms, "there was this vampire guy and he dressed up like an old man, but he wasn't he was a vampire and he was ugly, and he was really mean, making me dress up in that little dressy thingies all the kids here wear, and he hit me a lot and it hurt, and…and…all the monks here thought he was great, but…but…he said I was just like him and that he was going to kill me so that he could kill you!  But I'm not a vampire!  Right, Sanzou?"  He took a deep lung-full of air, not noticing that he had narrated the whole story in one breath.  

Somehow managing to ignore the whole 'vampire' references, Sanzou asked softly, "Do you really think a peace of shit like that could touch me?"

Goku blinked at that, but argued, "But I can smell you're blood!  That means you got hurt!"

"You smell my…" Sanzou rolled his eyes in exasperation, "You really are an animal."

Goku growled and was about to retort angrily, when he noticed something that made his blood go cold with dread.  Unless Sanzou's blood had splattered all over his room, then there was no reason for it to be so concentrated so that he couldn't smell anything else.  The reason why all he could smell around him was Sanzou's blood was because the smell was coming from him.  Sanzou's blood was on _him_.  With the monk still looking at him silently, Goku lifted his hands and sniffed them.

"Goku…snap out of it dammit!  Stupid piece of shit!  If you make one more tear in this robe I'm going to shoot you through the head and end it!  Calm down!!!"

He remembered…staring at his hand he remembered quite clearly Sanozu's voice shouting up at him as he drove his sharply clawed hand into Sanzou's abdomen, the need to drive deeper and deeper compelling to push down, the need to see the blood and to see the pained suffering on the one pinned beneath him sating the maddening hunger to …to punish…to calm the mad rage…

_Deeper…go ahead…deeper_…

Sanzou's voice drifted to him where he stood rooted in his spot, "What?  You look like you've just realized that you really are a monkey."

How could he?  How could Sanzou just sit there making fun at him as if nothing happened?  As if…everything was still the same?  For a moment, Goku hated the monk. Was it some type of game, to make him think everything was okay only to be thrown out, locked away without a seconds thought?  No, Goku knew that Sanzou did not play such games. Swallowing hard, Goku whispered, "It wasn't that vampire that hurt you, was it Sanzou?"

Sanzou glared, but only said, "Oh?"

Something from inside Goku broke, shattering, for with that glare he knew that he was right.  Clenching his fists tight, wishing to burn the limbs, to cut them, to get rid of them in any way possible, Goku spoke, his voice trembling, "I…I'm the one…I hurt you…I…tr…tried to kill…you."  Unable to keep looking at Sanzou, he looked down at the wooden floor, feeling tears of shame and disgust of himself threatening to come.

It was a long deadening silence, as Goku fought the coming tears before Sanzou said quietly, "You're diadem broke."

"Huh?"  Goku wiped at his eyes with his arm then touching the golden trinket on his brow.  He frowned; trying to imagine himself without the diadem constantly on is head.  It felt wrong, out of place in a way.  He knew that he was never to take it off.  He _knew_ that.  So how in the world did it break?  And what was so important about it coming off anyway?

"It somehow broke," continued Sanzou his voice even, as if he was talking to Goku about the weather or the color of the grass, "then you went berserk, killed the youkai, wrecked my office, and then tried to gut me when I found you."

_Deeper…go deeper…push deeper…_

Goku could not suppress a shiver as he heard a small sinister voice whispering…how long had the voice been there?  "I guess…maybe whatever I did…and I was punished…I…I deserved it.  I deserved to be locked away…away from everyone…" He shut his eyes and looked back down to the floor.  It safe looking away, it was better than looking up and facing the truth about himself. 

Goku cringed when he heard Sanzou stand up and approach him.  He knew what was coming.  He would be dragged back up to the mountain…back to the prison where he belonged.  Sanzou had freed him therefore Sanzou would put him back.

"Goku," said Sanzou, but Goku refused to lift his head up.  He was a monster, like the vampire.  He had no right to look Sanzou in the face.

!!!CRACK!!!!

****

Goku's butt met the floor at the first connection between his head and Sanzou's fan.  He stayed down as his head was rained with more loud painful smacks as Sanzou bellowed loudly over him.  "BAKA SARU!!  HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO LOOK UP WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!!!"

"But Sanzou," cried Goku in between smacks, "I hurt you!"

The young monk stopped trying to beat some sense into the boy's head, putting away his now bent fan into the folds of his robes.  Glaring down at Goku's crouched form he said in a voice filled with wrath, "You think _you_ can hurt me?"  He laughed harshly, "Don't think so highly of yourself, ape.  Nobody, not you, no some Neanderthal youkai, will _ever_ be able to hurt me!"

All Goku could do was look up at Sanzou in confusion.  Goku _had_ injured Sanzou, he could tell by the way Sanzou was favoring his side as he had beat him.  What was all this raving about not ever being able to hurt him?  It made no sense.

Goku yelped when Sanzou grabbed him by the ear and dragged him to the chair, practically throwing him on it in his temper.  Once Goku had seated himself properly, Sanzou leaned on the table across from the boy.  Goku made sure he was looking at Sanzou straight in the eyes.

"Now," said Sanzou in a more controlled voice, "what's this crap about you loosing it after the youkai threatened me?"

Goku had no clue how Sanzou knew the exact time he lost it, but he did not question the monk's knowledge.  Sanzou was uncanny in the way he found out about things that were just not meant to be found out.  Fidgeting in his seat uncomfortably, he replied haltingly, "I…I was worried that he'd hurt you…"

"Who told you to worry about me?" snarled Sanzou.

"But…"

"Shut up."

Goku shut up.

"Get this straight banana brain," said Sanzou, "I don't need a protector, or a guard.  I'm not going to deal with a creature that goes wild at any minor thing that distresses it.  It's pathetic.  Is that sorry excuse for a brain taking in what I'm saying?"

"But," protested Goku in dismay, "but what if you were really, really, really hurt…like lying in a puddle of your own blood with a hole in your stomach and I can't do anything to help you?  I can't worry about you even then?"

Sanzou's eye twitched at this.  "One: that is never going to happen, idiot.  Two:  what the hell have you been reading?!"

Goku opened his mouth and shut it, unable to say anything.  How could Sanzou be so sure?  Anything could happen, right?  He never even imagined of striking Sanzou…yet in a maddened state he had stuck and drawn Sanzou's blood.  Goku slumped in his chair, despair and guilt eating away at his chest painfully.

When Sanzou said nothing for some time, Goku asked the thing he most dreaded, "Do…do I have to go away?"

"You do whatever the hell you want," snapped Sanzou, sounding extremely mad at this question.  "I don't give a shit whether you stay or leave.  I'm not your fucking keeper."

"I always cause you trouble…don't I?"

"You're worse than a rabid dog," agreed Sanzou.

The tears that he had been valiantly battling came with a vengeance and spilled, slipping unheedingly down Goku's cheeks and dripped down to his lap.  "I…I guess it would have been better if you and I never met…huh Sanzou?"  

Suddenly, Sanzou's hand was on his head.  Sanzou's hands were always warm and comforting, like the sun after a rainy day, soothing the tormenting emotions with the hope of a new and brighter day to come.  "Choose Goku:  Stay or leave, no one has the right to make that decision for you," said Sanzou, his voice soft and just as soothing as his warm hand.

Goku sniffled, and sobbed out as he made a futile attempt to wipe at the tears, "I don't care!  Stay or leave…I just wanna stay with you, Sanzou.  I don't want to be left alone again!"

The hand was removed, and Sanzou straightened as he said, "Then I don't want to listen to shit like that again, got it?"

Still wiping the tears, Goku nodded.  

Sanzou crossed his arms over his chest and sighed; "My office is a wreck thanks to you…so I don't have any place to lock myself in here other than my room.  The stupidity of the monks here is driving me crazy, so I've decided to take a little vacation."

"Vacation?"  The tears gone with the disaster, Goku looked up curiously at the young imposing monk.

"The capitol city of Chiang Chou has a large library that I'm interested in.  I can replace the books that were ruined with my office.  Plus I hear they got a lot of trading there, meaning some interesting foods and everything.  I just might find some semblance of a civilized society there."

Goku leapt from his seat, his eyes wide and shining with excitement. "Sanzou," he cried, "I wanna come too!  Please take me with you!  I'm starving anyway, and I haven't eaten anything for a long, long time!"

For a brief second, Goku thought he heard Sanzou muttering something, and barely caught the sight of a small grin before Sanzou turned his back on him.  "Like I said, do what you want, I don't give a shit.  Besides, I wouldn't be able to win anyway so what's the use?"

Goku let out a joyful cheer, skipping around his room as he started babbling in anticipation, "I can't wait!  I can't wait!  I can't wait!  Do you think they have yakisoba there? I love yakisoba?  And meat buns!  I wonder if they have the spicy kind?  You like spicy don't you, Sanzou?  Or maybe they have hamburgers, those taste really, really good.  But you didn't like it much, Sanzou, right?"

Sanzou glared from where he had returned to his newspaper, the vein on his temple beginning to throb as Goku continued to bounce, and continued to gush.

"Apples!  The red ones are the best!  And bananas!  Are they in season?  I hope so cause I really love bananas, Sanzou.  They taste the best with ice cream.  That place does know how to make ice cream, right Sanzou?  Bananas and ice cream…and strawberries with chocolate syrup!  Yummie…"

It was beautiful, the sun; so radiant, so warm.  When stuck in his prison, he couldn't reach it, couldn't get touched by the soft embrace.  So he chose to look away, to not look forward, to banish all hopes of a new tomorrow under its soothing caress.  That way, there was no pain, no maddening rage that grew and festered in his heart.  But one day, the sun came to him, and freed him, welcoming him into the world where he could be touched by the everlasting warmth…where he could be finally happy.  Yet to get too close to the sun meant to be burned.  But even so, just like he had been lonely in his prison…perhaps the sun was lonely in its place high up in the sky where no one dared to reach for it.

"URUSEI!!!!!!!!!!" I woke up in a dream today 

_To the cold of the static_

_And put my cold feet on the floor_

_Forgot all about yesterday_

_Remembering that I'm pretending _

_To be where I'm not anymore_

_A little taste of hypocrisy_

_And I'm left in the wake of the mistake_

_(Slow to react)_

_Even though you're so close to me_

_You're still so distant_

_And I can't bring you back_

_It's true the way I feel_

_Was promised by your face_

_The sound of your voice_

_Painted on my memories_

_Even when you're not with me_

_I'm with you_

_You_

_Now I see_

_Keeping everything inside_

_You_

_Now I see_

_Even when I close my eyes_

_I hit you and you hit me back_

_We fall to the floor_

_The rest of the day stands still_

_Fine line between this and that_

_When things go wrong_

_I pretend that the past isn't real_

_Now I'm trapped in this memory_

_And I'm left in the wake of the mistake_

_(Slow to react)_

_Even though you're so close to me_

_You're still so distant_

_And I can't bring you back_

_No_

_No matter how far we've come_

_I can't wait to see tomorrow_

_No matter how far we've come_

_I can't wait to see tomorrow_

_With you_

"With You" by Linkin Park (Hybrid Theory)

THE END… 

…or is it?

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**_SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?????   PULEEEEZZEEE TELL ME!!!!_**

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**_But that's not it!  Though this particular fic is finished, there is one more story left in The River Arc.  Do you want a sneak peak?  Do you?  Of course you do!_**

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**_Where the River Ends (Part III of The River Arc)_**

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After getting lost, run out of a town, and loosing all of their money, Sanzou and Goku come to the land of Chiang Chou, and there they meet the deceptive Lord Kuang-Jui, and his tragic wife, the beautiful Lady Yin.  What dark secrets do these two keep locked away within their souls…and what answers can be found where the river ends? 

So yeah, if you haven't read "Down the River, My Love" I suggest you go read it.  If reading something that involves rape bothers you, feel free to e-mail me and I will give you a summery of what transpired in that fic, so that you won't get confused whenever I write "Where the River Ends".

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**_Sarlinia_**

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**_Sarlinia@hotmail.com_**

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